Goodbye 2011, Hello 2012!!!!!

In memory of 2011, I've decided to do a recap of the year. :)

Januray:
We were living with my mother, searching for our own house to buy. We looked at over 50 different homes in the area. We finally found one on January 5th, put an offer in, and they accepted! :) We casually TTC, but living at my mom's house it was a tad bit strange.

February:
I started charting my BBT in the middle of the month and set an appointment with my RE to get some testing done and help with TTC. On the 22nd, we moved into our brand new house.

March:
I started working as a substitute teacher this month. I also had my first RE appointment which just so happened to fall on day 3 of my cycle so we could get started right away! HSG came back normal. He told us to keep charting and get DH's sperm analysis done. At the end of the month we got the results that DH's SA was normal! Horray! This gave me a huge feeling of hope for us. My RE also gave me the news about my elevated prolactin and that is when I started taking bromocriptine in hopes to get my level into the normal range(it did within a month).

April:
My husband went to train in Wyoming for a month. We were on a break cycle until the middle of May. I continued my job as a substitute teacher.

May:
DH came home from training. RE found a polyp in my uterus and ordered an SHG, which turned out normal(no polyps) and was VERY PAINFUL! RE also did first post-coital test which was okay. Continued TTC naturally. We had our 3 year wedding anniversary! Wow, where has time gone?

June:
I stopped working (summer time) and worked outside on the lawn the whole month. Since we live in Oklahoma, we hardly had any rain during the summer. I was picking weeds and watering the lawn as well as frequently changing up the flower bed in the front of the house. My first time really "gardening." It got my mind off TTC and I truely enjoyed it. We also celebrated our 5 year mark as being a couple. He is the man God always had for me. :)

July:
RE on vacation, so TTC naturally. We went on vacation to NY to visit my dad, DH's cousin, and some long-time friends who also live in NY. A VERY much needed break from "reality."

August:
Re decided to put me on a very low dose of Clomid for the first time. I O'd on CD 15 with HCG trigger. Boy, was that trigger scary. I turned 25, yay! Openly asked for a baby.

September:
No more Clomid for me! RE decided it did harsh things to my uterine lining and cervical mucus. RE found another "polyp" and ordered another SHG, which turned out normal. Another natural cycle with trigger and ovulation was a tad bit earlier than normal. I start working as a class size assistant for 3rd grade, 31 kids, at an elementary school in town(5 min from my house).

October:
The month we concieved our first baby through IUI. I will never forget that feeling of being overwhelmed and hoping, praying, and trying hard to believe I was truly pregnant. It felt so surreal, like it wasn't me. I prayed so hard for God to help me realize that is was true and I praised him for giving us such a miracle.

November:
I'll always remember this month as the month of our first miscarriage. It was not fun at all. I prayed and prayed to God that something good would come out of this, and it did. I grew stronger with each day that passed. We had a break cycle, but still charted BBT, but surprise, a BFN. Eh... I was heartbroken. The pregnancy gave me lots of hope and and I thought it would be possible for it to happen naturally. Not this month, I guess.

December:
On a break cycle due to the holidays, per my RE. Enjoying the holidays with my husband and family. Planning for our second IUI in late January.

This year has been very challenging. We have been through so many ups and downs. I have learned so many lessons and God has truly opened my heart more than ever this year. I will forever thank him for his graciousness. Although this is not everything that happened in 2011, it is mostly just TTC info and the major points that I want to remember and be able to look at in future dates. I pray that 2012 brings us lots of love, joy laugher, hope, and miracles. I see year 2012 as a year for a successful pregnancy which ends in a sweet healthy bundle of joy waiting at the end of the rainbow! Now that would be pure gold.

My new years resolution(s): Lose 30 lbs, and have a successful pregnancy. Here's to 2012!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!
2012, YOU BETTER BE READY!!!

Irritation

Yes, this is yet another rant post. I feel like this blog is a place to share my happiness and sadness. I feel like there is way more sadness than that good feeling. Today my friend, who I will continue to call "M", the one who is due 3 days after our m/c due date, posted a picture of her 10.5 week old little baby from their ultrasound. When I saw that picture it almost made me cry. I felt so hurt and so ashamed to feel this way, this overwhelming sense of jealousy. Infertility has brought a ton of this feeling into my life which I am not completely happy nor excited about. I just want to feel normal again and not be so jealous. It just really stings my heart to see something that would have possibly been ours during this time. It just really sucks to see her going through this when it was suppose to be me and my husband.

Somewhere deep in my heart, I had a feeling like this would happen. I have thought deep and hard about possible situations that could happen any day. Sometimes I think that my sister, who is 20 years old, will conceive before us. She has been with her boyfriend for a year now. They are talking about getting married after college (about 2-3 years away). It's not official yet. I just have this feeling deep down that they will have a child before us. I would be excited, overwhelmed, and speechless. The only thing I pray about is that they don't have to go through infertility. I pray so hard that she does not have to go through this pain and agony of each month of BFN's and worry 24/7. I know I am on a break cycle, but it still consumes my life. Everything I do, I think about, "What if we had a child right now, this task wouldn't be so easy." And I try to enjoy every moment of being childless because I know one day, we will not be childless. I think I will be devastated if she gets pregnant before me. And I really don't want to feel that way. I'm just to tired of feeling jealous and anxious. :(

When I'm feeling down, I turn to cooking/baking. Which leads me to eat lots of necessary food items like cookies, cake, and home baked bread. Ugh, and the lbs have packed on since the m/c. I have gained 20 lbs from my lost 80 lbs in the last year. It stops now! I really need to get this under control. I am going to do a weekly Thursday Weigh-in. Here's the first!!:


Starting weight: 184.6
Starting BMI: 29.7

(My lowest weight in 2011: 164 lbs, BMI: 26.5)

I really need to get to a BMI of 24.9 (Normal), which means I need to get down to 154 lbs. So that is 30.6 lbs to lose. I have done it before, and I will do it again. I'm just so nervous because we have our IUI coming up and if I don't work out as much as normal during the TWW, I fear of gaining weight. But Weight Watchers will help me with that. Today I started a new beginning. I think it will be best to keep track with this blog while we TTC. I need some motivation to get back on track. No way will I ever be 247.2 lbs again. I will not let myself get out of control!!!!! :)

Anyway, time to sign off and try a tiny taste of these home made dinner rolls I made which I am bringing over to the in-laws for dinner tomorrow night. If they taste nasty, I have to re-make them. How fun? Sure! lol

Random Ramblings...

I don't really know where to start with this post. I feel like I have so many things I need to get off my chest that all of them come out of my head at once. Ever had that happen? Yeah, it makes it hard to type about! :) Since we are NTNP this month, I will shell out a bit of happiness to you!

For Christmas I got a super amazingly awesome stand mixer from my in-laws. I am so excited about this gift I feel like I want to use it EVERY DAY! :) Here it is in all it's glory:

It is a pretty comparable gift to the Red Ryder BB gun which Ralphie wanted oh so baldy from A Christmas Story. I am so in love! Here is a picture of some goodies I have made with it:

Delicious? Yes!!!!! We used it to make our manicotti cheese mixture tonight as well as a loaf of beer bread. They were both delicious to say the least. Absolutely AMAZING!

My husband had a wonderful Christmas as well. My mom and sister pitched in an got him a remote controlled helicopter. He is so excited about this although he wanted a remote control car instead, he is completely in love with this little gadget. He has played with it every day since he got it. The only down side is that you can only use it for about 15 minutes before it runs out of juice. Here he is with his amazingly fun gift(which is much more awesome than any video game!):

I can't imagine what it will be like if we have a little boy. My husband is such a kid at heart that he will probably steal all of our baby boy's toys. I always thought I'd have boys only. Time will tell....

In other ramblings, I am feeling really blessed lately. I have a super amazing husband who cares about me with every inch of his heart. We have been spending lots of time together since he has been on leave and I have been on Christmas break from work. Recently he has been very romantic and cuddly, which I completely adore. There is nothing like your husband wanting nothing to do but to cuddle with you, give you lots of hugs and kisses, and just be with you. I am so in love with this man that words can't describe how huge he makes my heart. God really blessed me with an AMAZING human being to spend the rest of my life with and I am forever thankful. Here is a photo of us at my Oma and Opa's house on Christmas Day:

Since NTNP, I have had this amazing sense of feeling free. Feeling like infertility will not beat us and we will eventually get our own precious miracle. I feel like throwing away my thermometer and all pee sticks and just saying screw it, it will happen when it is meant to happen. If I can get pregnant through IUI, then why can't I get pregnant naturally. There is nothing stating that I can't, unless it just has everything to do with my CM, which I am pretty positive that is what is preventing us from getting pregnant naturally. But, my infertile mind says, "You need a baby now!" We will be doing our IUI #2 next month. AF should arrive on approx. January 15/16th. and I have thought ahead about IUI #2 and God willing it gives us our take home baby, we will get a BFP right before/on Valentines Day. Wouldn't that be spectacular? And the good thing if it turns out BFN, AF should be here after Valentines Day so hubby and I can just enjoy an amazing evening together, if you know what I mean? Haha!! I have so many mixed emotions for this next IUI. I am scared to death of it turning out BFN. For Christmas my mom is contributing $100 to the procedure and my dad in NY sent $125 in which we will use for the procedure as all. I have been so worried about how we will pay for another IUI if the second one doesn't work. I honestly don't want to spend all of our savings on infertility, but I so much would like to finally have a little miracle to hold. I think if IUI number two dosn't work out, we will probably take a break for financial reasons, unless hubby decides that our income taxes could be used for IUI #3? I just don't want to have to go through the wrath of another BFN. It totally sucks. But God keeps me sturdy and I know he will provide us with everything we need, even if it is just strength to get through another failed cycle. Our dreams will come true, and I WILL hold our baby in our arms and sing GLORY TO GOD because he will be the reason for our future children's life(lives)! I am just so excited, still, to know that it is possible for us to get pregnant. It's just so hard that we had to say goodbye so soon. No worries, it will happen, I just have to keep on truckin...

For now, here's a couple reasons for my happiness:

My Fur-kids!:



Me and my amazing, one and only, SISTER!!:

Confused...

So I have been doing a ton of thinking lately. A friend of mine who has been trying to get pregnant for a year, recently got her BFP. Well, her due date is 3 days after mine was. Her pregnancy is going along fine, and she is always posting on Facebook about something pregnancy related. I can't help but to feel bad for myself because every little thing she goes though, I feel like I would be going through, too. I'm just really still trying to get over the fact that we had a chemical pregnancy. I am still very upset but I do know that things happen for a reason. The reason behind God wanting me to pretty much watch a pregnancy from the sidelines instead of going through it when it could have been me, still has me questioning. I just don't know how to feel about it. There HAS to be a reason for it. There must be some lesson God is trying to teach me throughout this journey. I have yet to figure it out. I'm pretty confused. I just wish I didn't have to go through the torture of watching her baby bump grow, and have to look down and see nothing but a fat bump on me. It's annoying to say the least. Why do things happen like this? Why am I always reminded that I am infertile? I don't understand... But I will try to enjoy the holidays and this newly found break cycle. No temping, no OPK's, and no timing intercourse(I AM EXCITED FOR THIS! LOL). But, I am so read for February get here to do our 2nd IUI...time can't go by fast enough. But I know it will be here before we know it. I am so grateful for what God has given me and I need to enjoy every moment I my life, even if right now we don't know if we will ever have children. I am blessed.

Bummer!

So I called my RE today to tell him when CD 1 was. He called me back and told me we wouldn't be able to do the IUI this month due to when I would be ovulating. I guess my body wants to party on New Years eve? Maybe bring in the new year with a bang of an ovary? Lol So the office wont be open. So it looks like I am shooting for a Feb. 1st IUI, or around there. Hopefully my husband will be available during that time. I will be VERY upset if we have to skip another cycle due to timing. But God is good and he will help us get through this. :D I am planning on trying to lose 10 lbs (or so) by the time of IUI. I know I can do it because I have done it before. So we are taking a break this cycle. Not temping or using OPK's. We need that! Just to enjoy every minute we have together during the holidays because next year, we might not have all of this time to spend together. I'm so anxious to know if DH will be going to Korea or staying here. I really pray he says here but moves into a different unit....time will tell.

Have a Merry Christmas!

Second IUI cycle & Christmas!

I am so excited to say that AF came after 2 days of spotting thinking it could possibly be implantation bleeding. I did have hope for the last cycle, since I know I can get pregnant. But I knew in the back of my head there was little chance because the past natural cycles haven't gotten us anywhere. We hit the year mark for actively trying this month, but it has been 3 years of hoping, wishing, praying, and believing that one day it would happen. It has been a long road. I am so grateful to have been pregnant, even if I knew about it for only a week. So I can't say say that these 3 years have been a complete failure, because they haven't. I have learned so much about myself, my husband, and I wouldn't be who I am if it weren't for these past few years. Infertility really stinks. You have to learn to be patient, believe in miracles, and just pray that it WILL happen.

So with this new cycle, and our IUI coming up (God willing) I have a really cautious mind. I know that not all IUI's work every time. The first one worked like a charm, and I feel like this second one will in some way fail? I don't know. I just don't feel like we will get lucky twice. But then again, I have no control over that. I will take what will happen and roll with the punches. I guess either way, I just have to tell myself that I got pregnant once, sooner or later it will happen again, even if it's not during this second IUI month. God is really helping me, though. I believe that we will have a take home baby one day. Until that day comes, I will praise him for the future he will give our family. I just know everything will turn out perfectly for our family but we just have to go through a few road blocks to get there. :)

Oh, I am so ready for Christmas! This year my DH and I decided to give each other 100 bucks, and a list of inexpensive things we wanted for Christmas. I have already gotten almost everything that DH wants. The whole point of this was to make a huge list of things, but it doesn't mean we will get everything on our lists, so it's a surprise. I'm kind of excited to see what he chose off my list. I know he will be so happy to see that he got EVERYTHING on his list. I made it work by using lots of coupons and shopping around for the best deals.

For everyone else in our family I am making little bags of treats including; puppy chow, a chocolate snack mix, snicker doodles, and peanut butter brownies. This is our 3rd year doing this kind of gift. I LOVE seeing everyone enjoy our treats. Only one more week to go! I love my life! We just need a bundle of joy (or a couple) to share the joy of life with. I am so ready!

Reflecting on 2011

I am so thankful to know my Lord and savior! Jesus is the reason for the season! :)

Anyway... This time of year, for some reason, makes be overly thankful for what I have. This past year has been pretty good to us. We moved back to Oklahoma (home), bought a brand new house, I got a new job, and we finally achieved our dream of becoming pregnant. Well, the last one feels like a dream I have woken up from. I am so happy for the good Lord above to haven given us answers FINALLY after so long wondering and waiting. It's almost like these answers have renewed my sense of hope. I am positive, I truly believe that one day I will carry our rainbow baby to term and we will have a perfect healthy bundle of joy to enjoy for the rest of our lives. I am so grateful for 2011. I knew it would be a good year for us when we got the news we were moving back home. I cannot praise God enough for all of these amazing miracles in my life. How can I not walk around with a smile on my face? Every time I feel like I'm getting down about our loss, I just think of God and how amazing He makes me feel. And having that feeling is the best thing in the world. With Him, I can overcome all obstacles in life. Don't get me wrong, emotionally I feel burned, but God heals those wounds slowly. I trust Him. And that is all I can do. I just feel like letting everyone know how much I LOVE MY GOD! :)

I am 7dpo today. I have this strong urge to poas tomorrow morning. I know it will be BFN, but after last cycle and getting real BFP's for the first time in my life, I am craving more. I know it will be a waste of a test. I will probably try my hardest to wait until the night of 9dpo, possibly the morning of 10dpo. I have tender breasts today. I normally don't ever have tender breasts. Last cycle, my chemical cycle, my tender breasts started to be noticeable around 10-11dpo. I think I'm just imagining it though right now. I am praying for a pregnancy. But then again I know that God will probably not give that to us this cycle, since he has not in past natural cycles. I am just so unsure. I do know this, those pee sticks will not take the life out of me this cycle. I am determined to just poas once a day. I don't want to stress myself out in the possibility that I am pregnant. I don't know right now. I am just hopeful but at the same time I am so ready to start our second IUI cycle to know we have a better chance than this natural cycle. So much to look forward to in this next month. I am more than ready for this mommy journey to begin. Please, God, I'm praying for another miracle!

Overview of the last 3-4 months.

I haven't posted in quite some time. I have just not felt like I needed to jot my feelings down. It really started to make me depressed by obsessing. But I am back and ready to update you on the news from the past few months. I am going to put it in bulletin style to make it easier.

• September Cycle: We triggered and tried naturally. BFN
  
  
• October Cycle: First IUI with 75IU Menopur and Trigger shot. Can you believe it? A BFP on November 8th at 11dpo/IUI. My first beta came in at 32/prog 1.9 at 17dpo/IUI. My RE explained it was a chemical pregnancy. My second beta was 29/prog 0.9 at 19dpo/IUI. RE thought it might be ectopic so he had me come in for a third beta which came in at 0. I started bleeding at 4 weeks 5 days. Thank God for giving me this knowledge. Now we know we CAN get pregnant. We just have to be able to stay that way. Needless to say, I cried for a while day wondering, "Why us?"
  
  
  

• November cycle: Completely natural, no medications, no trigger. I ovulated on CD 18 and am currently on the night of 5dpo. I have some renewed hope for this cycle since the chemical pregnancy. I just keep thinking to myself that it hasn't happened naturally ever before, so why would I happen this month? DH and I don't think anything will come out of it. So if I am pregnant, I will be VERY surprised to say the least. I have an appointment on Monday Dec. 12th, which was supposed to be for a follie scan for an IUI. My RE thought I would Ovulate late. Well that will be CD 27. I thought he was crazy. But he had scheduled this appointment due to my DH being gone from CD 21-25. He wanted to see me earlier but DH wouldn't be able to produce for the IUI. I decided to chart and do OPK's. Well, luckily DH was here while I ovulated and we got some good BD in. I just really am unsure about the outcome. But there is one thing I do know and that is that I believe that God will bless us with another miracle in His time. I am so ready and praising him for all He has given us!
  
  
• December: If I don't get a BFP this cycle, we will be doing another IUI. I'm very nervous about this because of the timing and it would most likely be around New Years Eve/Day. Ugh...maybe he will give me some meds to speed the process up? Praying all goes well. But maybe we wont need the IUI? Praying for an early Christmas present. But not getting my hopes up. Positive thoughts, though! :)
  

New Cycle, New hope

So August 14th AF came to visit and she has since left. :) Hopefully for 9 months! I was really bummed about this and have had several bummed days because a couple friends have come up pregnant recently. I can't help but be jealous of them. I spend lots of my time on blogs just reading about other womens success. I just don't know how to feel right now. My RE is having me come in for a follie check on CD 13, September 26th. He also ordered another HCG trigger for me? I don't know why he did this but I will for sure find out. You know, since I'm not taking any other meds. I feel like the appointment will be for nothing but checking my prolactin, thyroid, and vitamin D levels. I already know my follies wont be ready to trigger, so why bother, you know? But I have to stay hopeful. I guess my dr knows what he's doing so I should just trust him. I know I have been distant for the past 2 weeks but it is just so hard to type about something I am so upset about. I had a good cry on DH's shoulders when he got home from the field the day AF came to town. It just really sucked.... But I will move on to this wonderful cycle in hopes that it will be the magical one! :D

On a good note, I got a job. Working as a teachers assistant in a 3rd grade classroom. I'm excited about this. At the same time, I was a little nervous to tell the previous employer that I would not be working for them when they need me in October. I need a job NOW, not 3 weeks from now. It was a little sad to tell them, because I have had a good relationship with them since my mom started working there almost 14 years ago. They watched me grow up into a woman, get married, and live the adult lifestyle. :D

We have decided we are going to do IUI if we don't get pregnant by tax time next year. And if we have enough funds and don't fall pregnant in 2012, we will do IVF in the summer of 2013. I am very excited about this new hope. It's not over yet and we will get our miracle baby soon!

8dpo

Yeah, 10 days passed trigger shot. Took a test and, dun dun dun, it's out of my system(BFN)! So now when I get my wondfo tests from amazon, I can definitely go crazy peeing! :) Nothing new really besides a friend of mine IRL just got her period today. AHHHH!@#!@#% for her. :( I'm just so frustrated. But last night I came across a scripture in the book Grace For The Moment by Max Lucado.

God's Good Timing
"God will always give what is right to his people who cry to him night and day, and he wull not be slow to answer them." Luke 18:7

I was having a hard time sleeping last night because my husband went to the field for a week and it was just me, Chloe, and Andy. I needed some inspiration and to keep my faith going of God. This passage is so helpful. I know that even though this cycle could possibly be a bust, God knows when the time is right and although we feel like the time should be now, it's not about what time we want it to happen in. He makes that choice and He will bless us when his time is right! I cry out to him every day to heal my body and I keep the hope alive by reading the word of the Bible. It gives me a good feeling inside to know that God will one day, in time, give us what we have been waiting for, for so long.

So these next 3-4 days are going to be long and boring. I ordered my wondfo tests and they should be here on Monday or Tuesday. I got 50 of them! Hahaha SoI am going to try not to stress about anything.

I do feel like I should wait to test until next Wednesday because that's when my husband will be home from the field. My sisters birthday is on Tuesday. We will see what happens. My LP is usually 12 or so days long. So that would make AF come on her birthday. I pray she stays away for 9 months because of pregnancy! :P

Emotions!

So reading blogs have been my go-to place for me to feel like I can keep my sanity by getting hope from other bloggers who are dealing with infertility. Well today I came across 2 blogs which revealed 2 BFN's. Reading this has made me feel like this cycle will be a bust. I have been so positive until reading those blogs. I feel like this journey will never end. I just want to crawl up and sleep until I am finally pregnant. I don't like to deal with this emotional pain from not being pregnant yet. I beat myself up all the while I am trying to stay positive. I just feel like it will never happen. And I do have my faith in God. I know he wont put me though more than I can handle. I know we will be blessed one day but the thought of it never happening has really got me upset tonight. It's so quiet in my house. I want to be chasing children and changing diapers. I want to wake up in the middle of the night to a crying new born and be able to comfort him/her. I guess this time of month I always feel this way. But something about this month has pushed the wrong button today. I feel okay on the inside, but something just doesn't feel right. I really wish I could live a normal life without stressing and obsessing about all things pregnancy/baby related. I hate the fact that when I see an infant I make myself put a smile on and tell myself that it will happen some day. I want to genuinely be excited for other people who are expecting, or have recently given birth. I am so tired of being envious or jealous of them. I am not that kind of person. I don't like to feel this way!

God, please heal my lady parts and please, for everything I have, give us a positive pregnancy and beta test this month. I am grateful for all you have done already, but we are missing this one last piece to our puzzle. I hope you find it and place it correctly. I know you will in time. Amen!

Almost into the second week of waiting!

5 dpo! It's been going by pretty quickly. I try not to think about what dpo it is, but it never fails! I am supposed to be testing on my sisters birthday, September 13th unless AF shows her ugly head. I have a really good feeling about this month though. But if the outcome is not what I would like, I will keep pushing on. No giving up here! Determined to bring a baby into our family! I can't wait! thank you, God for blessing my husband and I with a good outlook on life! We are just missing one huge thing! Praying you have given it to us and that today you make that little embryo implant into my uterus wall, snug as a bug in a rug! We will see.... Happy Labor Day, people! :)

Dear God,

First of all I want to thank you for giving me such a wonderful life to share with my husband. I can never thank you enough. I thank you for giving us the life of Christ who has helped me in so many ways. I also thank you for giving me this beautiful day, this day of ovulation. I ask of you one thing: Please let my husbands sperm fertilize my freshly ovulated egg and bring it to a healthy pregnancy. I do know that in your time, it will happen. I trust in you, Lord. I know that you know we have been waiting quite a while for this blessing. I pray that you keep both of us healthy through out this journey. My faith in you is stronger every day. Please take away all my worries and help me to relax through this two week wait, as well as other women going thought the same thing.

In your heavenly name, Amen.

Screw you, dreams!

So for the past few nights I have been having these dreams of my "ex-friend" Felicia. You see, she was my friend. It all went down hill when she got pregnant. It took her a year. I was excited for her and a tad bit jealous. I tried my hardest not to show the jealousy. My husband was deployed at this time and there wasn't anything I could do to make myself feel better about the situation. She would text me every day with something new. When she got to about 18 weeks the texting went on overdrive. I'd get 2-3 texts a day about her pregnancy. So right before my husband came home from Iraq, I told her to lighten the load, and to respect me because she knew what I was going through and how it feels to want a baby of your own so badly. Let's just say she decided that I wasn't being a good friend by doing this. The tables were turned, and apparently I was the worst friend ever. She got her mom to fight this "battle" and they talked alot of crap about me. All I was doing was watching out for my own sanity. I was going crazy with all the texts she was sending me, and ultrasound pictures. Blah, blah, blah. So we just didn't talk to each other any more because I lost my respect for her. But I knew on the inside that I had done nothing wrong. I simply asked her to slow down on all the baby info and to respect me as I was going through infertility and especially since my husband was gone. It was a very hard time for me to get through. To this day I don't completely understand why she was so harsh about me asking her to back off. I just don't get it! :/ I'm a good person, I did so much for her. I gave her a roof over her head when her mother kicked her out for no reason before her and her husband got married. She was my maid of honor, etc. I bought baby stuff for her. I even planned to drive the 2.5 hour drive to go to her baby shower. I guess she just didn't appreciate me. How selfish could she be? Everyone told me that I was better than her. I just don't like when people are angry with me, especially if I didn't do anything wrong. I just want respect, and didn't get it.

So in my crazy dreams I've been having, I've been seeing myself hanging out with her family. Last night's dream, in particular, her and I were sitting on a couch outside her mothers house and she had two small children. Maybe a 3 month old and a 1 year old. She was also pregnant. (In real life right now, she is pregnant with her second.) Now I know I had envy in my dream of her and her family. I held those babies and was totally content. I can't figure out why there were 2 children. I can't figure out why I would be having those dreams about her. I just hate going though infertility and being so jealous and envious of others all the time. I just want to be a mother. I hate feeling bad for myself. I hate not knowing when we will be parents. I guess you could say I'm a controlling type of person. If I'm not in control, I pretty much go crazy. And that's what I'm doing! lol I just pray that I don't dream of those who are disrespectful and selfish any more. God will answer my prayers, I know he will.

In other fun news~
The injection sight on my tummy of the HCG trigger is red, bigger than the size of a half dollar, and it's super itchy. :( It also kind of hurts if I lean up against a counter or something. I hope this pain and burning will result in something beautiful. I pray to God that this is our month. We will just have to see. As for BDing, tonight, tomorrow, and Thursday are in the works. :)

~Shannon

And BDing begins!

Went to our appointment today. Good news! Clomid did it's job and I had one follie at 20.3 mm!! Yay for only one, right? Don't know how I would deal with twins or something! haha Anyway, the nurse did the trigger shot and said to go home and do our "homework" for tonight and tomorrow. We will probably be doing extra credit on Wednesday and Thursday, possibly Friday as well.

Here's the kicker~
He did a post coital test and I wasn't good. :( He told me that it was due to the Clomid, which I had expected. We looked at the swimmers and there were TONS of white blood cells. He said it's due to the clomid blocking the estrogen or something? Not sure if this is correct, but I understood what he was saying. Although he did not say anything about using any lubricant, we went ahead and picked up some fresh PreSeed to help us out because my CM is hostile. HOW FUN! No wonder why our BDing has always been rather dry. :/

So in a couple of days we will start the two week wait! He said if I don't get my period by the 15th, then I need to come in that morning and do a progesterone & beta test. I got excited about this. I only pray that it works! I'm super excited! But cautiously thinking about all of the outcomes. He said if it didn't work this cycle, that next cycle he didn't want me to take Clomid and he just wanted to monitor my normal cycle at CD 13 with an ultrasound to see if am capable of maturing an egg early but just don't release it until later in my cycle. We will see how that goes. At least he is trying to figure out our issues!

But for now, we will do our homework and hopefully the PreSeed helps those swimmers get to where they need to be!

~Shannon

Almost appointment time!

Tomorrow at 8:45 am is our appointment with Dr. Haas (RE). He's doing another post coital test to make sure the last one was accurate because we didn't BD at the correct time (oops!). I'm pretty sure it will come out fine and that we will see tons of DH's swimmers under the microscope on that little TV. I'm amused easily, so seeing his swimmers like this was very entertaining. :x Haha! Anyway, so it's also CD 13 tomorrow and he will be doing an ultrasound to check my follicles from being on Clomid. Since this is our first month going this route I feel positive about this. Since I ovulate around CD 19-20, he said it's possible that it's just too late in my cycle for my body to accept a pregnancy. So if my follicles are ready tomorrow, they will administer the HCG trigger shot to make me ovulate. I'm really praying my follicles are matured! Because if not, I may end up ovulating as if I would have normally done. I worry about this because I only took 25mg of Clomid. We will see how this works out. I'm praying for the best. Like I said, I feel very positive about this but at the same time I feel like it's not going to work. I feel like we're going to need more invasive treatments to be successful in this. I pray that we wont have to go into more treatments, but you always have to hope for the best and expect the worst because then you wont be so disappointed in the end.

Every time DH brings up something that he wants to buy that is pricey, I REALLY want to be able to let him buy it. But in the back of my head I think, "We could be using that money for IUI or in case it gets that far, for IVF." I feel so bad that we have to plan around buying stuff we'd like to buy, especially for my DH. He has SO many things he wants. We both want a baby. If IUI or IVF is the way it will happen, well he will just have to wait on those other materialistic things. We're not getting any younger. I know 25 & 26 is pretty young, but if we put it off for any longer, before you know it we will be 30! My goal is to have at least one child before the age of 30! I know I have to be patient and in time it will happen.

Anyway, Facebook is evil. Just like other infertiles would say, it's packed with pregnancy announcements and photos of babies, toddlers, and happy families enjoying their children. ~sigh~ I don't know why I torture myself by not blocking posts from people who have infants or are recently pregnant. I find myself looking through their pictures and having so much envy. It just really stinks when all you see are fertile people around you and you're the only one who knows how it feels to not be able to get that one thing you've been praying for, for a long time. God is good, don't get me wrong, I just need to keep praying that he will keep us both healthy. He has the right timing. :) I trust Him! I just need to be a bit more patient!

I will more than likely be updating after tomorrows scan. ~fingers crossed there's a couple mature follies!~


~Shannon

Chunkin' up the duces

TO MY FAT!

I have been having trouble lately staying on track with Weight Watchers. You would think after being on WW for 1.5 yrs it would be easy. Now that I'm about 25 lbs away from goal, it's harder than ever. I cheat a lot, which is very stupid of me. I am still in the "over weight" category for BMI. ~sigh~ Although I have lost and gained some back, I am right at 78 lbs lost. My lowest was 82 lbs lost. My plan for all of this is to become a healthy mother. Maybe it just hasn't happened yet because I'm not a normal weight? For crying out loud, I'm 170 lbs now. I don't look fat. I feel fat though. It's strange to go from 247 and try to be able to get used to your body. Somehow, you still always feel like that fat girl you once were. I really think I'm "bigger" for the weight of 170 compared to others who weight 170. Who knows? But I'm really going to try to stay on track. I want this baby more than ever and I pray to God that he gives me the strength to keep losing this weight, and being healthy. So, I've been going to the gym, or trying to, every other day. Sometimes I skip 2 days. But that's okay because at least I'm going, right? Today I had a great workout. It relieves the stress of infertility and it makes me want to beat it so bad. It gives me the energy to fight this stupid battle that's right in my body. God, please help me fight this battle. I know I will win, some day! :)

In other news, my BBT went from 97.4 yesterday to 98.2 today. What the hell? I did go to sleep later and woke up later, but usually that doesn't change it that much. Maybe I did ovulate while I was feeling those throbbing pains? I guess I'll find out on Monday. I really am praying that those eggies are still there growing and are ready to be fertilized next week. So, so ready!

~Shannon

God, please help.

So I spend an excessive amount of time on the webside Two Week Wait. I lurk the site quite a bit and often times leave comments to posts and even post as well.

Well recently I have been coming across a lady whose name is Lisa. I know she doesn't know me well, and I know this probably seems stalker-ish, but I don't care. Well, I had remembered she had a follow up appointment today with her doctor about her autoimmune test results. So I decided to go to her blog to see if she mentioned anything about it. Come to find out, she did. And it was devastating news. The worst she could have ever imagined. Let's just say their only chance of having a child of their own is by using a surrogate, or doing some specialized IVF that have a very LOW chance of even working. My heart is broken to pieces. When I used to lurk TWW in 2009(before I became obsessed) I remember seeing her posting on people's questions, and POAS pictures. That was 2 YEARS AGO! This just breaks my heart even more. To have to wait SO LONG and try SO HARD to get that one thing you hoped and prayed for, for so long, for it to all be a dream unable to come true.

Now this may sound selfish, but I pray to God that something like this never happens to my husband and I. I can only imagine the tears I would cry, the depression, and all the heartache I would have. I pray, pray, and pray some more every night that God will bless all the infertile's out there with beautiful, bouncing babies. Even if it is adoption. God has a plan, He knows who can handle what. He know when to shine that light at the end of the tunnel. I always have to remind myself of this. But all I can think of in my head is that it is possible for this to happen to us. And that just leaves this fog in the back of my head. This makes me have the urge to have my RE test for the autoimmune disorders just in case, so we could get the news before we continue trying. I just would like to know what the heck is going on with my body that it is so hard for something to happen when EVERYTHING is right in timing. ~Prayers are much needed in this day of grief for Lisa and her husband. This is the least I can do for a complete stranger with disastrous news.


To turn you attention to some different news, today I have been feeling some throbbing pains throughout the day around my right ovary. I wonder if the clomid is making me have hugetastic follies? I only pray that since today is day 8, that I am not ovulating(which would be totally insane, but possible in every way). Why do I say this? Because, well, my husband is in the field for the next 2 days and the dancing will not being going on until at least Friday night. Horray for us? I don't know! I shouldn't worry though. I will know by Monday if my follies are crazy or not. Maybe I'm just the crazy one? But that throbbing feeling is something I don't think I have ever had. ~sigh~

On another note, I forgot to add in the post I made about my dentist appointment, etc. While I was waiting in the waiting room, I picked up a magazine, of which I forgot the name, and what was it all about? BABIES! BABIES! BABIES! Celeb babies, twins, nurseries, and toddlers wearing "best dressed" titles. GAG ME NOW! This was one of those EXTRA, PEOPLE, OR SEVENTEEN mags. I picked it up anyway. So I come across several twins, and very cute baby faces. I was so happy for all these people in this magazine to have conceived without worry of not being able to. ~sigh again~ What gives? I had to torture myself, right? So they finally called my name and I decided to put the magazine down and just FORGET that I picked it up. Congrats to all you celebs that can get pregnant by just drinking water. Way to go, you!!! :)

To add to this torture~

I was visiting my mom this evening since Scott (DH) is in the field for the next few days. We were watching the news. Then after the news there was a special Nightline/Dateline(whatever it's called on ABC) that came on about The Dougars and all their 20 million kids and their family friends The Bates, the other family with 20 million kids. God is trying to tell me something, right? I'm thinking it might be that these families are the ones who are baring our children and raising them for us? ~sigh triple~ Either that or that He's telling me by showing me so many babies and children's faces today that this will be our month? I am not quite sure, but we will find out in about 3 weeks. Alas, I will not fret, I will pray for good health of my womb and my husbands swimmers. Please, God, give us the miracle we've always dreamed of! :)

Still praying for Lisa, I am so completely devastated for her. ~sigh quadruple~


~Shannon

Clean Teeth!

I have been dreading this darn dentist appointment for the past month. I hadn't been to the dentist since before we go married(3+ yrs), because me moved and I was too "busy" to schedule one.

So I went to my appointment today with my old dentist. I got there 20 minutes before my appointment and waited at least 35 minutes in the waiting room to be seen. (Talk about torture!!) So I was finally called in to be seated and ended up getting the whole x-ray thing of my mouth. I was quite nervous because I didn't think I took care of my teeth as much as I should have over the past 3 years. But, surprisingly, my dental hygienist said that my teeth look pretty good compared to some after not being cleaned for 3 years, Lol. I was so worried about getting another cavity or something was terribly wrong like I might have to get a root canal done. I swear, sometimes I think the worst. Maybe that's what God is trying to tell me? Calm down, stay positive, and things will work out in the end. They always do, right? I am pleased to say that I HAVE A CLEAN BILL OF HEALTH FROM MY DENTIST! Praise God!!!!! And I have a nice polished, shiny smile! :D Can you tell my excitement? I am so glad that is OVER!!! At least part of my body wants to be normal, right?

I have been reading lots of blogs lately of those who are trying to get over the hump of infertility. It really, in a strange way, helps me get those thoughts of being "alone" in this situation out of my head. I am not alone, but it breaks my heart to see so many women and men who have to go through such heartbreak. I only pray that God will heal all of them and bring joy into their lives. He will do good things if you ask and praise him for what he has done. It really amazes me how I look back at my life and see how much He has blessed me and I thank him every day for it. We are blessed, and sometimes we just have to take a minute to appreciate everything we DO have, and not what we DON'T. :)

~Shannon

Long Boring Day!!!

I've been sitting here since I woke up this morning at 9am, waiting for my HCG trigger shot to get here so I can sign for it. If it doesn't get here today I will be a tiny bit ticked off. Hopefully Freedom Pharmacy has their act together. It's 1:19, I'd like to take a shower without worrying if the door bell will ring! I guess I can do some chores, but I really don't feel like doing ANYTHING but taking a shower. I feel pretty gross!


*Update
So It's 2:53 and I the FexEx lady came and dropped off my HCG. As soon as I got it I opened the box to check if everything was there. So I'm new to this trigger thing and I'm not quite sure how it's going to work out. It's a little bit intimidating. So I take everything out, there's a syringe, the HCG itself, and a needle. Oh boy, I don't know if I'm ready for this. Wait, I know I am! It's just a little bit freaky that I have to get a darn shot to make me ovulate at the correct time! Deep breaths, I will get though this! Hopefully in result will be a beautiful bouncing baby! We can only pray.

~Shannon

New Blog!

I am so excited to finally be making a blog to share my infertility experience with everyone! I will take this time to give you a little info about myself. My name is Shannon, as if you haven't already seen it at the top of this blog. ;P I have been with my Army husband for 5 years, but married for 3 of those years. We have endured so much together including: deployments, infertility for 2+ years, and recently buying our first house. We have two furkids named Chloe and Andy. They are yorkshire terriers and we love them to pieces!! We currently reside in Lawton/Fort Sill, Oklahoma. This is "home" to us and we are proud to say that we are able to see our families all the time because of our recent PCS here in January of 2011. Before moving back home, we lived in Fort Riley, Kansas which is about 6 hours from Fort Sill, Oklahoma. The Army has it's ups and downs but for the most part, I have enjoyed these last 5 years of our lives together. It's not always easy, but we make the best of it.