I have no made a blog post in a long, long time. It is much needed.
As I continue on into motherhood I can't help but to listen to my sweet baby boy sitting in his swing at 11:04pm at night just coo-ing and being his happy self.
We spent a very long 87 days in the NICU. A very long time coming to terms that this was our new "normal." In the last 6.5 weeks of being home I've went through several stages. The first 3 weeks were the hardest to adjust to. I knew my baby already, but not completely. Each day of those first few weeks was rough. I just could not get Henry to sleep at night and be awake during the day. I was an emotional wreck. I was utterly exhausted. I thought the life of being a mother was going to forever be an exhausting task. Not to mention, I was pumping 8 times a day and feeding Henry 8 times a day as well. Well it got better and changed when Henry changed his sleep pattern and I also stopped pumping because I was not even producing half of what he needed. So we are now on a great schedule, unless it gets screwed up by appointments and feeding times being switched up (like tonight). He will eat his last night time bottle at 11pm, get to sleep by 12am, and mommy gets at least 3-4 hours of sleep before he wakes up on his own around 4-5 am (sometimes earlier). He will eat and then go straight back to sleep until 7-8am when we then get up, eat, change diaper, and get dressed for the day. Which was a pretty nice schedule because we managed to move back into mommy and daddy's bedroom since we had somewhat of a schedule and didn't want to wake up daddy too much. It just worked. It's still working but at the moment I am thinking that now it's all switched up because he got his 4 month shots today. 4 months old, you say? Yep! So he slept the majority of the day, until his 9pm feeding and he has been up since all bright eyed and bushy tailed. Boy, I hope he is not wide awake all night! This mama is tired from being up since 4:30am having to be up early for an 8am appointment. Henry is still on oxygen and a pulse ox monitor. So making sure I have enough time to take a shower, feed, change, and dress him as well as pile everything in the car it takes a while. Plus, there was no use in trying to sleep for 30 minutes after he at at 4:30am before getting ready for the day! *sigh* Please God, I loved the schedule we had going!
My days of motherhood have taught me so far that even though there are rough moments, every day I feel more and more blessed and in love with Henry than the day before. Just when I feel like I can't fall in love with him more, I do. I never understood that while being an infertile. Wait, am I still infertile? Eh, I don't know what I would classify myself as. I still feel the pain and the wrath of what infertility did to my life. I feel more open to express my emotions about infertility. Any chance I get, I try to spread the word of awareness. I want people to know they are not alone. It may take a very long time to get your bundle of joy but I know that day will come! So do not give up hope and pray, pray, pray that God gives you a miracle. He gave me that miracle who fought for his little life for a long 3 months in the NICU.
I cannot express enough how big my heart is. I'm listening to Henry make his happy little noises a few feet away and I still have to pinch myself to realize that it's real and he is mine. He is such a delight and I am loving motherhood. Even if I trip over his oxygen tube and monitor cords at least once a day. Even if I have to maneuver around all of the crazy madness of it all. My son is home. My son is alive. My son survived being born way too early. My son is God's greatest gift to my life besides my husband. I am blessed. I am forever grateful for every little thing we have had to endure over the last 4 months. It's been a very long road and there was lots of struggle, and still is, with dealing with my emotions about his birth and early arrival. I never imagined it happening like this. I expected a full term pregnancy. I expected all of those normal end of the pregnancy things to happen. A baby shower with a huge belly. A pregnancy photoshoot. A 3D session with ultrasound. The swollen feet. The huge belly. The waiting for labor to happen. All of it that I did not get to experience that happen in the last 15 weeks of pregnancy.
I will be okay. It will take time to get over what happened. But for now, we have our beautiful baby boy, Henry. He has shown us how to be strong and that God literally is watching over us and has a bigger plan for all of us. Man, I couldn't ask for more. :)