Our TTC Journey

Sunday, February 26, 2012

3dpo :)

Well, I'm 3dpo today. And this has me feeling like there's a bit of hope. If you have checked out my chart, you will notice that we ended up BDing the day of the trigger and the day of O. The day before O was when I had my major breakdown because DH wouldn't do the deed. I have to admit, it was a little childish of me to have broken down that horribly. :( I really do feel like there is still hope, though. I used Instead soft cups for both rounds of BD, just for back up. DH calls them my "dams." LOL!!! He's a comical guy!

Last night we were laying in bed and I look over and he's watching water births on YouTube on his iPhone. I was very surprised by this. He has never really shown his need/want for having children until recently so when things like this happen, they surprise me. I told him I think I'd be more comfortable giving birth in a hospital rather than a pool in the middle of our living room. Maybe with our second (hopefully we will get that far) child, we could do something different. :) I just thought it was cute that he would be researching that labor would even be like. I'm sure he will be a great cheerleader when our time comes. I love him so much! I'm trying to stay optimistic about this cycle. Anything can happen, right? Giving it to God and letting him control!!!

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

This cycle is doomed.

Well, no sex for us tonight. Hubby is too tired. Tonight is prime.... I'm pissed, crying, and frustrated. Looks like just another bust cycle. :( Haven't cried like this in a long time.

2nd Follie Scan Appointment Update...


* One follie on right side at 18.3mm
* Lining at 6mm :(
* RE has no clue why I was bleeding
* He saw that pesky polyp AGAIN
* Triggered yesterday at 11:30am
* HCG beta 0, E2 330, LH ?

He doesn't have hope for this cycle but I do. I stopped spotting/bleeding after the appointment yesterday. I think it had to do something with the trigger. I have no idea. So I'm praying my lining grows at least 1mm between now and ovulation, which should be around 11:30 pm tonight...possibly later. There is still hope. We are using preseed and instead soft cups, too. It's very possible for a pregnancy to stick to a 6mm uterine lining. :) I am leaning on God, but not going to get my hopes up. Glory to Him for making this spotting/bleeding go away!! :D

Monday, February 20, 2012

Not spotting any more...

Just bleeding like I would if this were to be AF. Like medium flow. This really blows. I'm feeling like this cycle is a bust. I'm trying to wrap my head around the reasons why this would happen. I have so many questions as to why Follistim would make me have this mid-cycle bleeding. I have come up with several reasons that it could be:

1. My lining is too thick, so we could call it breakthrough bleeding?
2. My E2 is way too low, so in return it would cause bleeding.
3. If I had not taken Provera, this time of month would be time for AF to arrive.
4. God says I need to wait a bit longer to be successful?

With all of these things on my mind I am going crazy. I prayed really hard last night about this situation and I asked God to please heal every inch of my body and prepare it for pregnancy to be able to get pregnant. I also prayed for him to make this bleeding stop. I trust that He will make the right decision. I am just trying my hardest to look past this situation and move onto what will be next. I know I asked God to help me have the strength and patience to lose weight, so maybe this is his way of saying, "Here's your chance, lose weight now!" I really don't know but I am doing the best I can do. I ran/walked 5 miles last night because I wanted to get my mind off of this situation. It felt rewarding after I jumped off that treadmill.

My biggest complaint about this bleeding episode is not being able to have sex when we want. My husband and I normally don't do the deed while I am on my period. We did when we first started having sex, though. Over the years, it's just annoying to do and way too messy to clean up. So with our recent trials, I had my period from Jan 15th-20th, then took Provera and got my period Feb 4th-8th. Now I have been bleeding again since Friday. It's just really annoying when you really want to be intimate with your hubby.

I just really need to train myself not to expect anything. I will accept what God has planned and just roll with it. Try not to get upset because it's not in my control. I just have to keep reminding myself....

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Spotting still???

So since my update I have upped my dose of Follistim the past 2 nights and have not seen any letup on the spotting. It's actually gotten into a very light flow. I mean, it's spotting, but at the same time I feel like it's like day one of my cycle which is usually just spotting but enough to have to wear a pad because I don't trust it with just a panty liner.

I am still worried as all get-out that this cycle will be a bust. I'm so annoyed by this. We have waited 2 cycles (actually 3, with the help of Provera for one month) and at the beginning of this cycle I had high hopes that it would be the month we could really start trying again full force. If this puts a bump in the road then I will be upset, but life goes on. God knows there is a reason for this and I'm willing to wait to see the outcome, even if we have to cancel this month. Oh the trials and tribulations of an infertile....

On another note, my husband told me some great news this past week. He decided he IS NOT, I REPEAT, IS NOT going to Korea. He got the job in this new unit that he wanted to get into and he decided he was going to stick it out to see how it goes. I was BEYOND happy when he told me this because I told him it was all his decision because it's his career and I didn't want him to not enjoy what he is doing with it. The bad side to him being put into this new unit is that he will be doing field projects quite often. These projects last sometimes more than 2 weeks at a time. So this little tidbit of information really irks my nerves but really I am thankful he will be home quite often (more so than he would be if he went to Korea). With that being said, I'm not sure how TTC treatments will go. Sometimes I don't know about him going to the field until a few days before he goes (because he forgets to tell me). So planning is just no fun when it comes to that. But, nonetheless I am excited he WILL BE HOME unless his unit deploys. God is amazing and I know He will keep blessing us with great news and He will watch over us. He will not give us anything we can't handle. I LOVE my God for this reason!!! :)

Hubby and I also had a conversation about this hormone injection thing. Last night he got so angry at the fact that I was spotting and I was trying to understand why he was so angry. He almost felt like my RE was a quack because it just didn't add up. I kept telling him that my RE knows what he is doing, he's been doing it for YEARS. Anyways, he ended up telling me, "Maybe we should just stop all this medication and leave it in God's hands." I grew completely silent. I had tears building up behind my eye lids and I just wanted to run away. Now, I trust God and His timing, and I and a firm believer that God makes miracles happen. But I blurted out to my husband, "That wont happen." Why would I say something like that? Why would I suggest that God wont heal us and bring a baby into our lives with a natural pregnancy? I don't know where my head was last night. I just felt hurt that he would say something like that to me because I honestly don't want to stop treatments just because we have had several bumps along the way. This spotting/bleeding episode seems like it doesn't happen to many people but Dr. Google says that it DOES happen to some women who take Follistim injections. So, after being upset about his comment, I came to him and asked him if he really felt like we should stop treatments. He said, "That's up to you." This statement also kind of ticked me off. It's not just MY decision. He told me himself the other night that he wanted to get this baby thing on the ball and rolling because he doesn't want to be an old fart of a father/daddy. I totally agree with him. He is 27, I am 25. I want to have at least one by the time he is 30. Is that asking too much? So, in continuing out conversation last night at dinner I told him that just because we have bumps in the road, doesn't mean God isn't playing a role in our infertility journey. I feel like God is guiding us to these treatments. He just kept eating and acted like whatever I wanted to do would be fine. I really, honestly, don't know what we will do if this cycle fails. I almost want to take a few months to collect myself and lose 20 lbs. But then there is the fact that he will also possibly come up on deployment orders and that would leave us with even less time to make a baby. Any way we turn it feels like something is in the way. But, I trust in God. He will guide us and will be good to us like he has been.

We are having dinner with my mom and sister tonight at our house. I hope I can take this time to get my mind off this speed bump and get some laughs in. I need to laugh. I love to laugh. :)

Friday, February 17, 2012

Here's the scoop... & weigh in

I went in for my u/s and blood work on Tuesday the 14th. All was well and RE had me keep taking 75IU Follistim for 7 more days and to come back on the 21st. I was a little upset because I was expecting to trigger that night. Well, I've done a total of 11 days of shots.

Today, while at work, I went to the restroom and noticed I was spotting. WHAT THE HECK?? How could I be spotting??? Noooo!!!! Ugh! So I called my nurse and she talked to the RE and he told me to keep doing the shots but up the dose to 83IU. She said the spotting should go away by the time of my appointment on Tuesday. I had a sigh of relief. I felt like a freak of nature. Why in the world is my body being insane right now. Hmmm, probably because I'm injecting lots of hormones that my body has trouble producing quickly enough. I don't really know. So I Dr. Googled it and couldn't find anything but mention of mid-cycle bleeding and to contact your doctor. I know my RE knows what he is doing. He's been in this business for a VERY long time. He has to be at least 65 years old. So here I sit, stressed out, and worried about what this cycle will hold for us. It's all about waiting.

It's all about trusting in God and letting him take control. I just have to keep telling myself that.

And as for my Thursday weigh in, here it is....just a little late. lol

Starting: 184.6
Week one: 182.0
Week two: 180.6
Week three: 179.6(AF week)
Week four: 178.2
Week five: 179.0 (Provera week)
Week six: 180.0 (AF week)
Week seven: 179.0 (Follistim week)
Total lost: 5.6 lbs lost.

Ugh, I'm so furstrated. I've worked out so hard these past few weeks. I'm beginning to think it's just my body burning fat and gaining muscle. For crying out loud I burned 460 calories yesterday and today I woke up weighing 180.6! Believe me, I was stunned by the number. Ugh. I even had diarrhea last night (Sorry, I know TMI). I just don't get it sometimes.... I won't give up though. As long as I don't gain another 15 lbs. My goal is to be at 177 by the time I get pregnant. That's 3 lbs. 3 lbs to lose in about a week? Don't think that's gonna happen... but sooner or later it will come off.

Monday, February 13, 2012

CD 10, last follistim injection!

This cycle is flying by! Tomorrow is my follie scan appointment. I am really anxious to see how many and if they are ready to trigger. I expected to see some more cm action but haven't seen any as of yet. We used the instead softcup last night after BD and it was strange to say the least. Don't think I will be using them after trigger. I just feel like they hinder everything rather than help. Anyway, hopefully only one more shot which will be the hCG trigger for this cycle. RE ordered 2 hCGs but I have no clue why. I guess I will know more tomorrow! :) Will update after the appointment tomorrow. Everyone have an awesome Valentines Day!!!!

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Week 6.5 Weigh in... Lol

So I weighed in last Thursday at 180 lbs. 2 lb gain from my recent lowest. Well, I decided to weigh again today and it was 178.4!!!! :) I plan on doing another awesome workout today and really watching what I'm eating. I can do this!!

And only 2 injections left til follie scan! Can't wait!

Saturday, February 11, 2012

CD 8 and 3 months til our 5th year of marriage begins!

I just realized that our 4th wedding anniversary is right around the corner. May 17th! That's about 3 months away. Holy. Cow. Time flies by when you're living a good life. It doesn't even feel like we've been back home for a year now. It feels good. I'm so hopeful for the future.

Today is CD 8, 2 more days of injections to go and then follie scan on Tuesday. I'm SOOOO excited to see how many follies I have and if they are ready to trigger. :D I REALLY want to do IUI this month but I know deep down that the smart thing to do is to try with just timed intercourse and see what happens because this medication is SUPER expensive and it would take ALL of our savings to pay for...yeah, not cool! I just don't see the point of spending $2,000 on a cycle, especially if IUI worked without meds in October. You know what I mean? I guess I'm just a little anxious to see where this cycle takes us. I have hope. God will lead us and we just have to believe that His time is the RIGHT time. Man, I love my God!

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Weigh-In and CD 6

Starting: 184.6
Week one: 182.0
Week two: 180.6
Week three: 179.6(AF week)
Week four: 178.2
Week five: 179.0 (Provera week)
Week six: 180.0 (AF week)
Total lost: 4.6 lbs lost.

Ugh, not so good. I've been running alot. I wonder if it's building muscle in my legs? Hmmm...or it could be those extra few calories from the Pizza I had over the weekend? I'll keep chugging along. I wonder if Follistim is playing a part in my weight gain. :/

AF is almost out the door. Spotting going on and I expect she will be fully gone tomorrow. :) Yesterdays shot kind of stung. I am getting ready for hubby to inject day number 3. I hope it doesn't sting this time. It doesn't last long though so I shouldn't complain. Days are going by.... only 4 days of stimming left! Horray! And Valentines day is just around the corner. Can't wait!

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

CD 4 Appt Update & My first injection!

I went to my appointment this morning at the crack of dawn. I was very nervous to see if we were going to be able to give Follistim a go or not. I really didn't want to have any cysts or anything. We(MIL & I) got to the office 15 minutes early and then they sent me back to jump on the table and spread my legs. (sounds fun, right?) I waited in the room for at least 10 minutes before anyone saw me (not usual). It was almost excruciating because I was so ready to know if this cycle would be a go or not because we have been waiting for what seems like FOREVER since the chemical. The doctor came in, took my blood, went out, came back in and did the baseline ultrasound. PERFECT! Everything is A-OK! :) I was super excited but for some reason, it's hard to show my true feelings with this doctor and I really don't know why. lol

He told me to get dressed and to meet him in the consult room so I could be taught how to use the Follistim Pen. I went and grabbed MIL and she came into the consult room with me. We sat there for at least 20 minutes. I think today was a SUPER busy day in the office, plus the normal nurse was gone. I met a new nurse whom I've never seen before and asked her a few questions about when she started working here. She said she had started in December and you could tell she was still getting the hang of everything. Anyway, the nurse finally came in to "teach" me how to use the Follistim Pen and she was really no help at all. She used a sample pen and cartridge they had but she showed me nothing about how to put the needle on and all that good stuff. I felt like it was a waste of 20 minutes in the consult room. :/ Kind of brought me back to when we were in that room when the RE gave us the news that we unfortunately were having a chemical pregnancy. But I kept my spirits up because I was so excited about moving onward with this new step in our journey.

I ended up looking up a video online of how to use the Follistim Pen and it was so much more informative than the new nurse was. So yeah, my dosage is 75 IU for 7 days. He said he wanted me back on Valentines Day to do a follicle check. Horray! I REALLY hope we trigger on V-Day! That would be super neat! :) My first injection will be when my hubby gets home....we'll see how this goes. It should go fine!

God is good. I thank him so much for making it a great appointment and helping us move forward. So excited for what is to come! :D

Saturday, February 4, 2012

CD1!! :)

Today's the day! I've never been so excited to see AF! :) So it looks like I will be calling the RE to let them know when CD1 arrived. I will probably go in on CD4 for a baseline ultrasound and they will teach me how to do the follostim injections and the fun will begin. I'm SO THRILLED! I'm just nervous about taking these shots. I received them today from FedEx and opened it up and this is what they delivered:

It looks really intimidating to me. I REALLY hope this cycle is a sticky BFP one. I'd be so insanely excited and amazed if it works out. :)

Time to relax some on this first day of AF, my cramps are INSANE today but not unusually horrible, just normal day one cramps. They should be gone by tomorrow. Stay tuned for more FUN posts within the next couple weeks. AHHH! Can't believe a REAL cycle is here! Waited about 3 months for this cycle to start!

I also want to just take a moment to Praise God for all He has done for us. My husband came home from work on Friday and told me he got a job offer as a trainer for ROTC. This is a true act of God, I believe. My husband has been trying to get out of this unit he is in for quite some time because they are holding him back from progressing in his career. He's been in almost 10 years. He needs some progression. He hasn't gotten promoted since 2008. It's been almost over 4 years. He REALLY needs this job that was offered. I am praying so hard that they call him back and are able to move him. I really didn't want him to have to go to Korea, but kind of accepted it as time has gone by. I pictured me being pregnant and having to show the hubby my big preggo belly on webcam through video chat. I pictured having to take care of a newborn baby all by myself until his return. I accepted that might be the future we hold. But, I truly believe that God is on our side and He has amazing plans for us. He knows our wants and needs. He delivers when we least expect it. God has really been working in our lives lately and I just need to keep praising Him for all he has done. I'm amazed EVERY day by the acts of our Lord. :) I am so glad I know my God. He is truly a blessing in my life!

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Weigh in!! (provera week)

Starting: 184.6
Week one: 182.0
Week two: 180.6
Week three: 179.6
Week four: 178.2
Week five: 179.0 (Provera week)
Total lost: 5.6 lbs lost.

Really discouraged but I have a feeling it's due to provera. I started it the day after week four weigh in. My weight went up to 180.6 the whole week then dropped today to 179.0. I really think it's the provera because I'm exercising and eating good. Who knows? I've been running quite a bit. Ran 2 miles in 23 minutes on Tuesday. It made me feel pretty amazing! :) Still waiting for AF but I am feeling like I am getting sick. Boo! :(