Our TTC Journey

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Spotting still???

So since my update I have upped my dose of Follistim the past 2 nights and have not seen any letup on the spotting. It's actually gotten into a very light flow. I mean, it's spotting, but at the same time I feel like it's like day one of my cycle which is usually just spotting but enough to have to wear a pad because I don't trust it with just a panty liner.

I am still worried as all get-out that this cycle will be a bust. I'm so annoyed by this. We have waited 2 cycles (actually 3, with the help of Provera for one month) and at the beginning of this cycle I had high hopes that it would be the month we could really start trying again full force. If this puts a bump in the road then I will be upset, but life goes on. God knows there is a reason for this and I'm willing to wait to see the outcome, even if we have to cancel this month. Oh the trials and tribulations of an infertile....

On another note, my husband told me some great news this past week. He decided he IS NOT, I REPEAT, IS NOT going to Korea. He got the job in this new unit that he wanted to get into and he decided he was going to stick it out to see how it goes. I was BEYOND happy when he told me this because I told him it was all his decision because it's his career and I didn't want him to not enjoy what he is doing with it. The bad side to him being put into this new unit is that he will be doing field projects quite often. These projects last sometimes more than 2 weeks at a time. So this little tidbit of information really irks my nerves but really I am thankful he will be home quite often (more so than he would be if he went to Korea). With that being said, I'm not sure how TTC treatments will go. Sometimes I don't know about him going to the field until a few days before he goes (because he forgets to tell me). So planning is just no fun when it comes to that. But, nonetheless I am excited he WILL BE HOME unless his unit deploys. God is amazing and I know He will keep blessing us with great news and He will watch over us. He will not give us anything we can't handle. I LOVE my God for this reason!!! :)

Hubby and I also had a conversation about this hormone injection thing. Last night he got so angry at the fact that I was spotting and I was trying to understand why he was so angry. He almost felt like my RE was a quack because it just didn't add up. I kept telling him that my RE knows what he is doing, he's been doing it for YEARS. Anyways, he ended up telling me, "Maybe we should just stop all this medication and leave it in God's hands." I grew completely silent. I had tears building up behind my eye lids and I just wanted to run away. Now, I trust God and His timing, and I and a firm believer that God makes miracles happen. But I blurted out to my husband, "That wont happen." Why would I say something like that? Why would I suggest that God wont heal us and bring a baby into our lives with a natural pregnancy? I don't know where my head was last night. I just felt hurt that he would say something like that to me because I honestly don't want to stop treatments just because we have had several bumps along the way. This spotting/bleeding episode seems like it doesn't happen to many people but Dr. Google says that it DOES happen to some women who take Follistim injections. So, after being upset about his comment, I came to him and asked him if he really felt like we should stop treatments. He said, "That's up to you." This statement also kind of ticked me off. It's not just MY decision. He told me himself the other night that he wanted to get this baby thing on the ball and rolling because he doesn't want to be an old fart of a father/daddy. I totally agree with him. He is 27, I am 25. I want to have at least one by the time he is 30. Is that asking too much? So, in continuing out conversation last night at dinner I told him that just because we have bumps in the road, doesn't mean God isn't playing a role in our infertility journey. I feel like God is guiding us to these treatments. He just kept eating and acted like whatever I wanted to do would be fine. I really, honestly, don't know what we will do if this cycle fails. I almost want to take a few months to collect myself and lose 20 lbs. But then there is the fact that he will also possibly come up on deployment orders and that would leave us with even less time to make a baby. Any way we turn it feels like something is in the way. But, I trust in God. He will guide us and will be good to us like he has been.

We are having dinner with my mom and sister tonight at our house. I hope I can take this time to get my mind off this speed bump and get some laughs in. I need to laugh. I love to laugh. :)

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