Our TTC Journey

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Anxious Hubby?

Every day since I've been taking Provera, my hubby asks me if I've started my period yet. I tell him, nope, not yet. Today is day 5 of Provera. I think he's a little anxious to get this next cycle started. I have to admit, I am too. But if I think about it every day, I will go insane. I mean, I will think about it throughout the day but I have to tell myself to just be patient and let God help us. And I have been pretty relaxed. I will say, though, that today I had MAJOR watery/creamy CM. I went to the bathroom twice and just KNEW I was going to see AF, but nope! Just wet undies. Eh!!!

Provera gives me some major headaches. I've had a slight headache every day from about 1-3:30 at work. It's possible that the kids at work are irritating me and that my headache is just coming from work itself. But I have a feeling it's from the medicine. I'm really excited I only have 2 days left of taking it. The last 5 days have been majorly slow. I'm kind of scared to see how AF is going to be though. But, it shouldn't be too bad since I JUST had a period about 2 1/2 weeks ago. That's the most annoying part.

I'm patiently waiting for the pharmacy to call so I can get my Follistim Pen. AHHHH, are we really doing injections? Oh. My. Gosh! I'm super excited!!!! :D

Monday, January 30, 2012

God answers prayers!!!

So today while I was at work I got a text message from my husband. It read, "We won't be going to San Antonio because I'm getting a different eye surgery done here." WHAT??? REALLYY??? As soon as I read that I just had to call him right away even though I only had 2 minutes left of my lunch break. I asked him several questions about this new surgery and told him I loved him and got off the phone.

We WILL NOT, I repeat, WILL NOT be going to San Antonio over Valentine's Day!!!! What does this mean for us? DUH!!!! No more being worried and anxious of when AF will show up and no more worrying if we will end up missing those lovely appointments of follicle checks to see how my body reacts to the Follistim. This totally made my day bright. For the past few days I have been really, really going out of my mind because I don't have a "plan" for what is happening when. And that is SO annoying when you're anal about timing things like I am.

So when I first read that text from my husband, I felt this warm, unexplainable feeling inside. I just knew that God was looking out for me. All of these past few nights asking him to take my anxiety away about possibly missing another cycle due to everything that is going on. He totally answered my prayers AGAIN! I just can't get over how absolutely amazing God is. His plans for my life have been laid out perfectly and I may not understand it now, but in times like this, He really does show me how powerful my prayers are to Him and that He DOES answer them in his time. I am so blessed to have an awesome God.... I just can't say it enough.

Now if only AF would show up, I'd be thrilled! Although I am pretty uneasy about doing these injections. I've only had to do one hCG injection alone (DH helped). But others were given by my RE's nurse (hCG and Menopur). I'm just so grateful for all of these things that are happening.

There's one thing that I still need to keep praying about, though. My hubby's job. They treat him like crap and always try to make him out to be an awful guy. He SO ISN'T! It looks like he will be going to Korea in the future. Not sure when, but we are pretty sure it will be in the next couple months. Heck, it could be within the next month! We don't know, but I'm praying I still have at least 3 more months of my hubby love until I get to have the dreaded year away from him. It's going to be tough, but we've done it before. Please, please help us get through this!

Friday, January 27, 2012

Provera and Follistim???? Huh???

I had my CD 13 follie check today and it sucked MAJOR! No follie growth???? What?????? This has never happened before during my year full of treatments and temping. Hmmm, I wonder if it's been that way in the past? I wonder if I even ovulated all those months before I lost weight? I'm not quite sure but interested in knowing. I never will, though.

My RE prescribed me Provera 10mg for 7 days to bring on AF, or to kick start a new one. I am upset about this. The good thing about the appointment is that my RE said he wanted to start Follistim injections next cycle.

The only problem with the injections and next cycle is that I have no clue when I will be getting AF due to Provera and we are supposed to be going to San Antonio Feb. 13-15th. We will be home the night of the 15th. My hubby really wanted to go over the weekend. But if we end up having a follie check appointment around then, we would have to try to make a Monday early appointment and just leave from Oklahoma City early. I'm just really irritated that I don't know the facts and how follistim is going to do with my follicles. I just pray the timing works out for us. I pray that this provera either kicks in super duper fast, like TOMORROW or decides to be super duper late like make AF come in 2 weeks. So then, if we wanted to do IUI we could make the appointment.

Our trip is in 18 days. 18!!!!!!! Provara for 7 days and if I start AF on the day after the last pill CD1 will be Feb. 3rd, which will make our trip over CDs 12-13 which is like the crappiest time to be taking a trip. WHYYY????? My RE didn't mention IUI for this next cycle. He just mentioned follistim and how it makes perfect mucus and how amazingly awesome it works with hubby's sperm. So it is possible we will just trigger this cycle and NOT do IUI since we are going on this trip. Ugh.... I just don't know. I'm just upset and wondering WHY we have to keep waiting so darn long. I thought 2 months was enough!!! Just kind of discouraged. Please, God, please help us get through this!!!

Monday, January 23, 2012

Updates. :D

4 days until my follie scan before the IUI! AHHH! It's getting so close and I'm so nervous. I just wish I would be more calm and not so crazy minded about it all. I know God will answer our prayers. I have seen Him perform miracles and I know what He can do. I just pray that He will help us in our journey. :)

I am concerned, though. Work drives me inane. The kiddo's don't listen and I get very frustrated. I'm normally a patient person, especially with children, but these 9 year olds are getting on my last nerve. They are disrespectful, careless, and down right mean to each other and the adults in the room (there are 3 of us and 31 of them). It is so hard to come home from work and relax because I feel like I think about how tomorrow will be. I don't know why I continue to work, but I'm guessing it's good work ethic and I've never really been the quitter type. I don't want to give up on these children because I know just how amazing they can be (when they want). I just really hope it gets better with our new behavior plan for the ones who misbehave all the time. I love those kids and I want to be nice to them but all I have had to be is be mean. I'm NOT a mean person, but I don't know how else to deal with all of their break downs, arguments, and being disrespectful. I know it will get better as time goes on but sheesh, I feel like I've been mentally beaten to death. :/

I am really nervous to find out if my hubby will be going to Korea or not. Last night he asked me how I would feel if we moved to Germany. I said I don't know. Since we bought our house last year and we would need to sell it or rent it out (selling would be less stressful), I don't know how it would all work out if we moved to Germany. Long distance and worrying if someone is going to pay their rent on time is just scary. lol I just don't trust people these days I guess. It is all still up in the air. We will see how things turn out but I am praying he gets released from his unit and it placed in Charlie Tab (here at Fort Sill, same brigade, different unit). That would make everything so much easier and if we were to get pregnant with this IUI, he would quite possibly be here throughout the entire pregnancy(only hoping!!!) Who knows! Like I said, it's all up in the air. :)

This past weekend we finally got all of our Christmas decor into the attic. THANK GOODNESS! :) I was getting tired of looking at it hanging out in our garage and in the office and spare bedroom. How it got in all of those places, don't ask me. I am a hot mess when it comes to putting items in certain places. lol! I feel so much better that we finally got that done!

Things are still on to go to San Antonio for my husband to get his eye surgery. I am so excited. We will be leaving on Feb 13 and coming back the 15th. That will make me ABOUT 14 dpIUI so we will probably know if we are pregnant by then. I will probably have my Beta scheduled for 16 dpIUI, which is Friday, February 17th. Oh gosh, I am so crazy about trying to know exactly when things are supposed to happen. Let's just say February is so booked with a ton of things going on. :) Anyway, with this trip to SA, we are going to spend some time on the River Walk, that is why we are driving ahead of time. We thought since his surgery is on Valentines day, we could celebrate together that weekend. It's going to be pretty awesome and the best part, MY HUSBAND WONT HAVE TO WEAR GLASSES ANY MORE! Horray!!! :)

Until next time, hope you're having a MAGNIFICENT MONDAY! ;)

Friday, January 20, 2012

Inferiltity in the workplace / Hubby rave!

Yes, that's right. How is it that 2 women working in the same classroom can have infertility and try for years? Well, this lady right here is the one who is working for a teacher who tried for a couple years before she had her first child.

We had an amazing conversation during our planning time today about infertility. I will be having a few days that I won't be at work and I wanted to cue her as to why I will be gone. Strangely enough, we got into a conversation about how she had to take clomid, BBT, and use opk's then she finally got pregnant. It made me smile to know that I'm not the only one (in the school) who is/was going through this. I feel proud to work for such a strong woman. Only infertiles know how it feels.

I told her that we had a chemical pregnancy with our last IUI. I'm sure if she were not pumping(she just had her second child in September) she would probably have given me a hug. I told her I'm slowly getting over it and that we are headed towards another IUI.

This news is great news. I'm stoked about the fact that I work with someone who KNOWS FIRST HAND how hard infertility is and has had success after trying so hard. I just can't express it enough. She's an amazing lady, for sure!

We also have another infertile in the building. The music teacher. I'm not quite sure how old she is but she looks to be into her 30s. She is very overweight and I think that she quite possibly had PCOS due to the hair growing on her face and neck. I'm not quite sure but I have heard from other coworkers that she is trying. I will be sad if I get pregnant and she finds out. I know how hard it would be for me to go through something like that. I am so praying that everything works out for the both of us. :)

Work is crazy, but I LOVE my coworkers. They keep me sane and make me want to come to work every day. The kids, on the other hand, not so much. lol They have been insane lately. I just don't understand WHY they are so crazy. :D


My husband is pretty damn amazing. I love him SO much. In the past few months I feel like I fall in love with him more and more. I used to feel like I had to keep some kind of distance between our love because of all of his health problems and the risk of losing him to some crazy disease or cancer overwhelmed me. I've come to the conclusion that I can't do that any more. I need to enjoy my husband to the fullest. I really do and have always loved him because he's such a sweetheart. If something bad happens, you roll with the punches. I'm not going to worry any more. I won't let the devil tear my feelings apart. If God needs him, He will take him into His arms! I won't be able to stop Him. So for now, my love for my husband feels like teenage love. Like blissful, kiss/hug him all the time and tell him I love him, love. It is literally the best feeling in the world. I really don't know what I would do if I didn't have him in my life. All I know is that I begged him to make pizza dough for me tonight and he is totally making some right now. Home made pizza is THE BEST. Only the best when my hubby makes the dough. LOL!

6 days until my follie scan. I can do this! WE can do this. I'm NOT letting the devil take over my life. JESUS has taken this wheel and will guide us to where we are supposed to go. :D

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

The devil needs to go away!

I have been having horrible thoughts about this next IUI. I am terrified of a BFP or getting a BFN. I don't know how I will cope with getting a BFN. I will really be devastated. But if we end up with a BFP I will be terrified of another miscarriage. But a BFP would be the best of the 2. I am having trouble staying positive. I just pray that God heals my womb and creates a miracle for us to hold in our arms very soon. I don't remember how I felt with the first IUI because it was unexpected. I mean, we had like 4 days to decide if we wanted to do a lap surgery, try naturally, it IUI. Well, I had no time to wonder or stress about it. This time, I have 2 weeks to wait until the procedure then about 2 weeks to find out if it worked. I need to find something to keep my mind busy. I really enjoy looking at the website Pinterest.com and pinning food recipes as well as arts and crafty stuff. But that only goes so far. Works helps, but when I get home my mind is all in a crazy state. :(

I have 8 days until my follow scan on the 27th. I hope this next week goes by super fast. I know I will end up having to go back on the 30th because my follies won't be big enough. But that's okay, better early than late and I'd rather make more than enough trips than to have a missed cycle due to poor timing. I just have to relax and pray. We will get to the end of the rainbow. Only time will tell when and that is in Gods hands. As long as we do all we can for Him, He will help. He has answered my prayers before. I trust Him. :)

Monday, January 16, 2012

2 lb gain? WTF??

Ugh, I'm so discouraged. :(

I got up this morning, emptied my bladder, took my clothes off, and weighed myself. I gained 2 lbs in the last 2 days. I'm trying to figure out why because I have been eating like I should be.

Yesterday I ran for 20 minutes straight for the first time in my life. My body is SCREAMING today. AF is also here so that could be the reason for the gain. I also stopped drinking all diet soda yesterday and only drank water, and I mean A LOT of water.

My husband says it's probably the water and exercise from yesterday. Possibly that my muscles are hanging onto the water and then AF. When I lost all the weight before I don't think AF made any difference. Maybe a couple times, but not 2 lbs. I'm trying to find answers for this and it's so hard to know I'm following all the rules and everything to lose weight and then I gain? It's so annoying.

Anyway, I tried to call my RE's office to tell them when CD 1 was and they are closed today due to Martin Luther King Day. Well, poop. Now I have to get up early tomorrow and call them and then wait for a phone call at work (which I hate to do because sometimes I can't answer and I don't like to keep my phone off vibrate.) Oh well! Gotta do what I gotta do.


So I'm sitting at the kitchen table typing this and my hubby has Chloe up on his shoulder and then says, "It's okay, I'm just burping you." lmao! Wtf? It's things like that, that make me really want to see how amazing of a father he will be. I just KNOW he will be an outstanding father. I can't wait. I'm so impatient!!!

Sunday, January 15, 2012


Today I got a huge dip below cover line on my chart and when I went to the bathroom this morning I noticed AF was here. I wasn't surprised. I knew she would be here by the look of yesterdays temp drop and then this morning's. So with this new cycle brings IUI #2 and I am terrified, yet so excited to see the outcome. I think I am more scared because if this doesn't work, Scott and I have decided to stop all treatments and take it as a sign from God that we need to take a break or something? I really don't want to stop. Maybe I should tell Scott that? I will never STOP wanting to have a child and as long as we have the funds to keep up with treatments, then so be it! I want our baby! :) Anyway, I think my RE will be telling me to come in for an appointment on Jan. 30th. and IUI will probably be Feb. 1st. Not sure, it all depends on my follies. :D So excited yet scared. Please, please God, heal my uterus and help us make a baby with this second IUI!

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Running out of patience...

As this month passes, I get more anxious. I get antsy and when the end of each TWW rolls around I feel like a failure. I really hate feeling this way. What happened to my happy go-lucky attitude? It is just not there. I am still trying, slowly, to get over the chemical pregnancy. I find myself figuring out how far along I would have been every now and then. I just wish it would have ended better. I can't say that I wish it would have never happened because then I wouldn't have the knowledge that my body is capable of at least getting pregnant. I can't help but to have this ungodly feeling of defeat. My whole mind is wrapped around how scared I am for this next IUI and how I really don't want it to fail. I pray for my worried mind but these fears keep coming into my head. I know it's the devil trying to win. I just have to keep fighting him off. It isn't easy. I know this natural cycle is about to end because my temp dropped oddly it being 10dpo when normally it's quite high. I fully expect AF to be here by Monday. I am so very anxious to get this IUI done and to find out the results. Time is at still. Can I go to sleep then wake up and it be IUI hpt testing day? Come on, Shannon!!!! Where is your positivity??????? Please help me get it back!!!

Friday, January 13, 2012

Mixed emotions...

Today I am just having a weird day. I am 9dpo and I am just going to try to enjoy my 3 day weekend. But it's hard to enjoy a 3 days weekend when you are just a few days away from AF or a few days from getting a BFP. It's so annoying that I feel like there is little hope. Today my breasts are tender when touched. My hubby keeps making comments about me being pregnant and my shots back are "I'm not pregnant, that's not possible without IUI."

I guess this week I just haven't been very positive about getting anything from a natural cycle. I know anything is possible but the thought is just too much. I don't think it will ever happen naturally. I have no clue if it will even work with the next IUI. And if it doesn't, I will be devastated. We decided if the second IUI doesn't work then we are going to take a break from medical intervention. It's a hard decision, but my hubby and I both think that if that doesn't work, then it's a sign. Plus I would like to lose all this extra weight I have gained back. I NEVER want to go on a break from TTC.

I don't know when(if) my hubby he will end up getting deployed or going to Korea. At this point, everything is up in the air. I just want to get pregnant. I pray to be pregnant. Today I had some weird cramps I don't normally have and I have been bloated. Every time I eat I feel like a cow, even if I eat a small snack. I know I'm not pregnant. I just KNOW this isn't our month. Although I'd like to believe it. It would be AN AMAZING thing to happen for us. Our IUI money would be saved for items for baby.

Ugh, I'm just so annoyed and not level minded. I feel like a freak.

A friend of mine who had a baby in early September announced she is TTC again. Ugh! If she gets pregnant with her second baby before we get pregnant, I will be even more upset. I hate this ugly feeling of jealousy. I'm tired of feeling jealous. It wears me out. I'm angry at myself for feeling this way. I just want to be normal and live happily. I just feel like that happiness will never come back until we have our own baby. I'm just so sad and confused. I feel like this post is all over the place, but that is where my mind is. It's in crazy land!

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Weigh in!!

Starting: 184.6
Week one: 182.0
Week two: 180.6
Total lost: 4 lbs!!!! :)

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Bridal-Baby bliss...and loss

Lately I have been thinking about the chemical pregnancy quite a bit. Today I went to a bridal shower and had to endure watching a set of boy/girl twins at about 6 months old be tossed around and coo'd at. It all made me think about what it would be like if I were still pregnant. I'd be approaching my 13th week or so(if I'm correct).

I could not help but stare at these cute little babies the whole time I was there. This shower was like a "display" type of shower where the gifts are opened for the bride and they are displayed on tables while people come and go as they please. It was the first of it's type I have seen.Now, the shower was for my mothers co-workers daughter. I am very close with the people who work at my mothers school(she's a teacher). I worked at the school myself for a while substituting and helping out whenever needed before I got my current job.

Anyway, my mother is the type where she will blast your information to pretty much anyone she is close to. And since she is very close to her coworkers, she told them RIGHT AWAY when she found out I was pregnant. Well, today was the first day I had seen all of her coworkers since finding out about the chemical. Not one of them said a word about my pregnancy, which made me feel a little better about being there. I guess they automatically know it's probably not a subject to talk about with so many people around. I did have a woman, my mother's coworkers sister, ask me if we have any kids. I told her we were trying, and gave that "infertility" look we all know about when we try to smile but it's a half smile. A smile where part of your face is in despair and you just want them to know your pain but you know if you tell them, you're going too far into detail and they probably won't care anyway. LOL Yeah, I think that def. was a run on sentence! :D You get my point though! It went well. They all said they miss me working with them. I will probably start working there again in the fall since my job now will be ending because the school I work at is closing. At least I know I have something to fall back on. They need dependable people there.

Recently I have noticed quite a few m/c's on TWW, which really disturbs me. How can so many great women have so many losses? It tears my heart to pieces. Sometimes I want to ask God why this happens to good people, but I know His answer will be a good one so therefore I don't ask. There is a reason, and honestly I think God needs us infertile warriors. This journey has made me a much stronger person. It has made me into who I am today and it has built a platform for me to live my life around. Without infertility, I wouldn't know patience as well as I do today. I wouldn't appreciate life as we have it. And, to be honest, I might not have ever had my calling for God come out so strong. I might not have become such a believer. I might not have ever had faith. But today, I do. I am proud to say that I am a warrior. A warrior of God and the great things he produces. I will continue my life and I will pray every single day that not only am I thankful for God's grace, but I am thankful to know I can get pregnant. God answered my prayer.

...I dream of the day where I hold our baby in my arms and look to my side and see my wonderful husband looking into our dear child's bright blue eyes. I dream of our little girl/boy having curly blonde or red hair, looking like their daddy. I dream of the day where my child cries "mommy!" and of huge toddler hugs and kisses. My dreams will come true. I believe. I have faith. With that, one day, I will become a mommy because God knows my heart. I will see the day!

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Weigh In

So today I weighed in.

Starting: 184.6
Current: 182.o
Lost: 2.6 lbs

HORRAY! On to the next week. And I also ovulated yesterday. Can't wait until next cycle's IUI. SUPER excited. :D

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Evil thermometer told me to do it!

So I'm on CD 19 today, and decided what the heck, I'll take my temp this morning. 97.6, which means I probably haven't ovulated yet. I wasn't supposed to be checking ANYTHING that had to do with TTC this month because we are on a "break cycle" but I just can't stay away from that darn thermometer. It's. Evil. Ugh, I thought I'd be able to get through a whole cycle without worrying about TTC but low and behold, of course I get sneaky and decide to temp. Oh well, I will continue temping, at least I didn't go out and buy some OPK. :D I'm just so ready to start our second IUI cycle. I'm done with this stupid break stuff. LET'S GO 2012, I NEED MY BABY ALREADY! Praying hard for my miracle to finally happen. God is good, nonetheless!