Our TTC Journey

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Bridal-Baby bliss...and loss

Lately I have been thinking about the chemical pregnancy quite a bit. Today I went to a bridal shower and had to endure watching a set of boy/girl twins at about 6 months old be tossed around and coo'd at. It all made me think about what it would be like if I were still pregnant. I'd be approaching my 13th week or so(if I'm correct).

I could not help but stare at these cute little babies the whole time I was there. This shower was like a "display" type of shower where the gifts are opened for the bride and they are displayed on tables while people come and go as they please. It was the first of it's type I have seen.Now, the shower was for my mothers co-workers daughter. I am very close with the people who work at my mothers school(she's a teacher). I worked at the school myself for a while substituting and helping out whenever needed before I got my current job.

Anyway, my mother is the type where she will blast your information to pretty much anyone she is close to. And since she is very close to her coworkers, she told them RIGHT AWAY when she found out I was pregnant. Well, today was the first day I had seen all of her coworkers since finding out about the chemical. Not one of them said a word about my pregnancy, which made me feel a little better about being there. I guess they automatically know it's probably not a subject to talk about with so many people around. I did have a woman, my mother's coworkers sister, ask me if we have any kids. I told her we were trying, and gave that "infertility" look we all know about when we try to smile but it's a half smile. A smile where part of your face is in despair and you just want them to know your pain but you know if you tell them, you're going too far into detail and they probably won't care anyway. LOL Yeah, I think that def. was a run on sentence! :D You get my point though! It went well. They all said they miss me working with them. I will probably start working there again in the fall since my job now will be ending because the school I work at is closing. At least I know I have something to fall back on. They need dependable people there.

Recently I have noticed quite a few m/c's on TWW, which really disturbs me. How can so many great women have so many losses? It tears my heart to pieces. Sometimes I want to ask God why this happens to good people, but I know His answer will be a good one so therefore I don't ask. There is a reason, and honestly I think God needs us infertile warriors. This journey has made me a much stronger person. It has made me into who I am today and it has built a platform for me to live my life around. Without infertility, I wouldn't know patience as well as I do today. I wouldn't appreciate life as we have it. And, to be honest, I might not have ever had my calling for God come out so strong. I might not have become such a believer. I might not have ever had faith. But today, I do. I am proud to say that I am a warrior. A warrior of God and the great things he produces. I will continue my life and I will pray every single day that not only am I thankful for God's grace, but I am thankful to know I can get pregnant. God answered my prayer.

...I dream of the day where I hold our baby in my arms and look to my side and see my wonderful husband looking into our dear child's bright blue eyes. I dream of our little girl/boy having curly blonde or red hair, looking like their daddy. I dream of the day where my child cries "mommy!" and of huge toddler hugs and kisses. My dreams will come true. I believe. I have faith. With that, one day, I will become a mommy because God knows my heart. I will see the day!

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