Our TTC Journey

Friday, January 13, 2012

Mixed emotions...

Today I am just having a weird day. I am 9dpo and I am just going to try to enjoy my 3 day weekend. But it's hard to enjoy a 3 days weekend when you are just a few days away from AF or a few days from getting a BFP. It's so annoying that I feel like there is little hope. Today my breasts are tender when touched. My hubby keeps making comments about me being pregnant and my shots back are "I'm not pregnant, that's not possible without IUI."

I guess this week I just haven't been very positive about getting anything from a natural cycle. I know anything is possible but the thought is just too much. I don't think it will ever happen naturally. I have no clue if it will even work with the next IUI. And if it doesn't, I will be devastated. We decided if the second IUI doesn't work then we are going to take a break from medical intervention. It's a hard decision, but my hubby and I both think that if that doesn't work, then it's a sign. Plus I would like to lose all this extra weight I have gained back. I NEVER want to go on a break from TTC.

I don't know when(if) my hubby he will end up getting deployed or going to Korea. At this point, everything is up in the air. I just want to get pregnant. I pray to be pregnant. Today I had some weird cramps I don't normally have and I have been bloated. Every time I eat I feel like a cow, even if I eat a small snack. I know I'm not pregnant. I just KNOW this isn't our month. Although I'd like to believe it. It would be AN AMAZING thing to happen for us. Our IUI money would be saved for items for baby.

Ugh, I'm just so annoyed and not level minded. I feel like a freak.

A friend of mine who had a baby in early September announced she is TTC again. Ugh! If she gets pregnant with her second baby before we get pregnant, I will be even more upset. I hate this ugly feeling of jealousy. I'm tired of feeling jealous. It wears me out. I'm angry at myself for feeling this way. I just want to be normal and live happily. I just feel like that happiness will never come back until we have our own baby. I'm just so sad and confused. I feel like this post is all over the place, but that is where my mind is. It's in crazy land!

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