So I haven't made a complete post about this pregnancy besides my weigh-in's or anything fertility related in a LONG time. I've been reading a couple of blogs and Alecia at Infertile Baby Dreamer posted a blog entry today that really made my emotions for infertility come out. I could not stop crying reading her post.
I feel like there's a reason why all of these things happen to so many women. Realizing you get into a routine when it comes to TTC and time passes and it just becomes your life. You don't have to remember to do something. You just automatically do it, like taking your temperature, updating your chart, or taking that pregnancy test at 8dpo because you want to know ASAP if you're pregnant or not. Countless days of googling different information on how to help you become pregnant and stay that way for 9 happy months. Having intercourse with your husband/SO becomes routine and not romantic. There's not fore play. There's not much kissing or feeling. You lay there just waiting for the sperm to get where you want them to be. It's not enjoyable. It's not how you pictured you'd feel while making a child.
I have had a great amount of time to think about this pregnancy. For the first 15 weeks I put it in the back of my head. I kept telling myself not to get my hopes up. After having 2 crazy bleeding episodes and feeling like it was all over before 8 weeks, it scared the crap out of me. I thought it was all over. I thought I was going to have to keep waiting for our perfect miracle. Well, to my surprise, we're not starting over. We're still in this game. This little boy is growing and each and every week that goes by I feel more and more nervous about his existence. I know I will be a great mother. I know everything will work out the way it is supposed to. I just can't help but to think back at all the difficult times we faced. All of the tears, worry, and prayers we sent up. Our prayers were answered and I am reminded every day from this growing belly with a little boy inside who loves to kick and stretch out to the max. My love for him is beyond what I ever expected.
I just want each and every person who reads this to know that you are never alone in your infertility journey. There are lots of women out there who do the same thing you do each and every day. And just because one infertile gets pregnant and you don't, it doesn't mean that infertile is any different than you. The went through the struggle for a reason, just like you're going through it today. It's a long hard road with lots of tears and thoughts that consume your mind every waking minute of every day! There will never be a day that I do not appreciate each and every infertile I have met along the way. There will never be a day that I do not look into my childs eyes and think of how long it took for us to make this beautiful blessing. To hold him in my arms and watch him cry, through every pain-staking minute of parenting, I will forever realize that I am truly blessed. Your time will come and when it does, you will be so overwhelmed that you will not even know how to process these feelings.
From my BFP, to the first ultrasound, to finding out he is a boy and that he is perfect.... it is all like a dream. A dream I hope to never wake up from. And it's so magical.... I think God every day for guiding me through it all. Even in my new uncomfortable stage of pregnancy. It's all a blessing and I am so excited to share it with the world!!!