Weight In

Week one: 184.0
Week two: 180.6
Week three: 179.6(AF week)
Week four: 178.2
Week five: 179.0 (Provera week)
Week six: 180.0 (AF week)
Week seven: 179.0 (Follistim week)
Week eight: didn't track (Follistim week)
Week nine: didn't track
Week ten: 177.4 (first myfitnesspal week)
Week eleven: 177.4 (AF week)
Week twelve: 174.2
Week thirteen: 175.2
Week fourteen: 173.6
Week fifteen: 174.0
Week sixteen: 173.4 (AF week)
Week seventeen: 172.4
Week eighteen: 171.6 (Provera week)

Total lost: 12.4 lbs

I like this 1 pound a week trend. :)

Infertility ramblings...

I changed my blog up a little bit. I got bored with it.

I started Provera on the 22nd. so I should get AF by May 1st. I call Provera the devil pill because it brings AF to visit. But I'll do whatever it takes to move onto a new cycle and with new hope to get our little miracle. i am guessing the hysteroscopy will be around the 7th of May. He also wanted to me come in for a baseline ultrasound to start follistim again. I will probably have that on May 2nd-3rd depending on when AF comes to visit. I'm ready to get this all on the ball and rolling because I can't wait until the testing part. I bought 50 wondfos from Amazon and 15 earlypregnancytest.com 10miu's. I'm eager to see what happens with this next cycle, especially having the hysteroscopy and having renewed hope that this can all happen naturally, without IUI. I am praying it works.

In my head I play with the idea that the reason why our last IUI worked so well was because the swimmer catheter bypassed this "polyp" I have, making the swimmers more able to get to their destination. I've been thinking about this for a while. It makes sense, right? I have so much going through my mind. I also thing this ugly "polyp" comes and goes every now and again because my RE sees it sometimes and others he doesn't. Unless the times he doesn't see it he isn't looking for that so may skip over it somehow while getting the measurements for my ovaries and follies. There are lots of questions to be answered and I'm not quite sure if I will get those answers or not. I also wonder if that polyp was the reason for our chemical in November. We will never know. I just pray that our next pregnancy is full term with a healthy baby.

I don't have much else to share. Life is crazy and sometimes I just get so wrapped up in everyday things that I don't think to post on my blog. I really would like to make it more personable other than just it being an infertility blog. I have so much on my mind, but I just don't know where to start typing. And at times, I just don't feel like typing out all my feelings. It's weird because I used to blog on Livejournal and another blogging website and would often times pour out all my feelings every day. I just don't know how to do that any more. It doesn't come out at the tip of my fingers like it used to. Maybe as time goes by with this battle of infertility I have just not wanted to whole heartedly pour myself into this blog? I already whole heartedly give almost every second of the day to my thoughts on when I will become a mother. There's no stopping those thoughts, I have tried. When I start to think I feel normal throughout the day, something reminds me that I am infertile and I start to think about the next thing we are trying, the dates that we will be trying those new things, and when we will possibly have our own child. It's a vicious cycle. Some day it wont be like this. Surely God will grant us our miracle and we can breathe easy of infertility for a short time to be able to enjoy our miracle.

Until then, I will still be reminded each and every day of the fact that we do not have a baby of our own yet. As each day passes, we get closer but we never know how much. Patience is something every person going through infertility must have. I don't know if it's just a given, or we learn it along the way. All I know is that mine is running thin. It has been for over a year now. I'm tired of infertility. I won't let it rule my life. Wait, I don't know how to NOT let it rule my life. But I will try my hardest to do whatever I can to keep it at bay in those times where it's the most heart wrenching feeling in the world. God will provide.

I'm sorry if this post seems like I'm just rambling on and on. When I blogged a long time ago I used to have everything flow perfectly and make sense. But for some reason, this entry seems to be long and sounds like I'm ranting way too much. Maybe that's what I needed for tonight? May, can you please hurry up and get here?

Besides, our 4th wedding anniversary is in about a month. I'm just a wee bit excited!

Appointment Update

So my follie scan went horrible. :( Just like back in February when my RE gave me Provera to re-start my cycle. He didn't see ANY lead follies on day 13. I don't understand this because last cycle I had a normal 33 day cycle though I think I O'd on day 21. I'm just confused. He also saw the darn uterine polyp that I have had 2 SHG's for in the past. He doesn't want to monkey around any more and told me he will more than likely want to do a hysteroscopy when AF comes. I'm excited to finally have him doing something about this "polyp" I've had since last July that keeps popping up every now and again but likes to hide during SHG's and my one HSG. Apparently I have a tricky little booger in there that likes to play games with us.

Anyway, my RE also said he wants to try Follistim again. Ugh... I am willing to do what he suggests, but I'm worried about the bleeding I had on the last cycle using it. If I end up bleeding again, I WONT be using it again. My DH and I talked last night about the medication and that if I bleed again, we will ask a friend of mine for her Menopur she used while doing her IUI's and we will do an IUI with that if this next cycle fails. She offered it to me a couple months ago. I may just take her up on the offer! :)

I really don't know how I feel. I'm kind of in a weird funk. I know that God has a plan, but how many more times am I going to get bad news? I'm tired of waiting. I need to be patient and trust in Him. For now, I'm continuing my weight loss journey and praying that God brings our miracle down to us.

Weigh in!

Week one: 182.0
Week two: 180.6
Week three: 179.6(AF week)
Week four: 178.2
Week five: 179.0 (Provera week)
Week six: 180.0 (AF week)
Week seven: 179.0 (Follistim week)
Week eight: didn't track (Follistim week)
Week nine: didn't track
Week ten: 177.4 (first myfitnesspal week)
Week eleven: 177.4 (AF week)
Week twelve: 174.2
Week thirteen: 175.2
Week fourteen: 173.6
Week fifteen: 174.0
Week sixteen: 173.4 (AF week)
Week seventeen: 172.4

Total lost: 9.6 lbs

Hooray! I got what I asked for!

I love you, Opa. Rest In Peace.

Opa passed away this morning and is now watching over us from above. I got to my Oma's house this afternoon, walked into the kitchen to wash my hands, fully expecting to walk into their den to visit with my Opa, who was hooked up to oxygen and having his 6 children and several grandchildren taking turns taking care of him because he could not fin for himself. I had my thoughts specifically set on having an awesome visit for a few hours and then go to Zumba afterwards.

My aunt walked into the kitchen, and thought I already knew about his passing, but I didn't. I continued to wash my hands and told my aunt that my husband had scheduled for the Chaplain to come pray with Opa and our family. At this point, my Aunt didn't know that I didn't know he had passed. We both then started cleaning up the coffee that was brewing, but had started spilling out the sides because someone forgot to pour the old coffee out. We didn't really say anything else because our minds were lost in the coffee.

Then, my mom walked into the kitchen. I saw her and she looked a little broken in the face. You know, the upset and tired look. I knew she had been crying. I told her that my husband had the Chaplain coming to pray with us. She told me, "I was going to call you and tell you." and I was like, "huh?" She continued, "He passed away this morning and I didn't want to bother you at work so that's why I didn't call." I didn't say much for a few minutes. I just stood there, staring at the wall. I didn't cry. I didn't do anything but think to myself that wow, he is really gone, and God has taken him to be peaceful and amazingly happy in heaven.

It wasn't until we started talking about how he passed, and if we were going to have a viewing of the body or not. I remembered how hard it was to see Scott's grandmother at her wake and funeral service. It hurt my heart so much to think that I would be going through the same thing with my grandfather. At this point, I started crying. I didn't want to remember my Opa that way, just laying there, silent, dead.

My family has decided to not do a viewing or funeral home service. My Oma just wants a grave site service for him. I couldn't be happier with her decision.

While my mom and Aunt were explaining to me how everything happened this morning, my Oma was sleeping. She then woke up and looked like a train wreck. I felt so bad, and just hugged her. We sat in the kitchen for about 2 hours, just talking and trying to figure out how this week will go. The funeral will be either Wednesday or Friday.

This situation is so hard to go through. My mom is taking it hard. She saw him take his last breath. She said the last few words to him that he will ever hear (along with my 2 other Aunts). She is good for a few hours, then starts to cry and it's a vicious cycle. I have hugged her quite often this past week. I'm sure she is really exhausted from taking shifts with my other Aunts and Uncle for my Opa's care, trying to keep her spirits up, and just trying to be there mostly for my Oma, at this point. Let's just say, I got to my Oma's at 4pm, my mom got there shortly after. I left at 8:30pm, and my mom stayed there with my Oma and my Uncle.

When Scott arrived, and then decided to leave to get out of his uniform, Oma told me to go with him. She then, I quote, said, "Go with your husband, spend all the time you can with him, while you still can." and then started sobbing. I didn't know what to say or do. I just hugged her, and so did Scott. I feel so horrible. I just want to take all her pain away. I know she has to grieve, but I couldn't imagine losing my husband. I looked at Scott tonight and just thanked God for what he has given me. I pray that our marriage is just a strong and lasts just as long as my Oma and Opa's did.

I'm sorry I rambled, but I just had to get it out and thought I'd share with you all. My appointment is still on for Friday. If the funeral is early on Friday, like around 10-11am, I have to call and reschedule for hopefully a 7am appointment. We will see.... please just pray for my Oma. I'm worried about her.

Oh -- I wanted to add that my Oma said, "When one person dies, a baby is born." and I immediately go the chills. My mom then brought up the fact that we were trying and she said, "A baby is going to be born!" and my Oma suddenly got happy, and started asking a million questions. I told her about our treatments and how we had the m/c back in November (because only my mom knew). She said she was sorry for our loss, but that God will bring us a baby. I still can't believe my MOM said "There's going to be a baby soon." I almost wanted to strangle her for saying that, because it got my hopes up. And that's the last thing I want to do with this cycle.... but I only pray that she is right, when one person dies, a baby is born. That baby just might be ours.

IUI #2 and thoughts

I've been thinking about this cycle quite a bit in the past few days. It seems to have slowed down to a halt since I've been thinking about it more than I was last cycle. I think it's because I am a ball of nerves. I just want to get it over and done with so I can see if it works or not. But at the same time, if my husband has to deploy on short notice, I will be a little upset. But, we have talked about if we do get pregnant, it will be okay for me to go through it all alone. That means a positive pregnancy test, going through the first trimester, missing the baby bump, ultrasounds, shopping for the nursery, and finally the birth and the first month of baby's life. He came to me and actually said that it is okay and he is fine with being gone for all of it. I would like to say I am fully, 100% fine with it as well, but I'm not. I want to go through the process with him. I want our baby to know his/her daddy's voice and feel his touch from the inside of me. I want to feel my husband feel for the baby. I want to be able to walk in public, go to the store with my husband and a pregnant belly. I want to admire my husband admiring our son or daughter from the womb. It is hard to say what will happen, only God knows. And only God knows what we can and can't handle. I just pray that he takes it easy on us. I am trying my hardest NOT to obsess. I am trying so hard to try to push these thoughts out of my mind but all they do is consume it. I'm anxious, nervous, excited, and scared that it wont work. I know we will get our baby one way or the other. I just have to keep praying.

The dates stand as to this:

April 20: Follie scan
April 25: estimated trigger shot
April 27: estimated IUI

If they fall in order as to the above, baby's due date will be January 18th, 2013.

I know it's not good luck to look that far ahead, but I'm trying so hard to be positive and not let any bad thoughts go through my head. Like I said, God knows the future. God knows what and when things will happen. I put all my trust in him.

I just ask you to pray for me if you're reading this. It's been a very long hard road. I'm ready to build our family. 3.5 years of waiting, wishing, and praying is quite some time.

Weigh in & Turning point...

Week one: 182.0
Week two: 180.6
Week three: 179.6(AF week)
Week four: 178.2
Week five: 179.0 (Provera week)
Week six: 180.0 (AF week)
Week seven: 179.0 (Follistim week)
Week eight: didn't track (Follistim week)
Week nine: didn't track
Week ten: 177.4 (first myfitnesspal week)
Week eleven: 177.4 (AF week)
Week twelve: 174.2
Week thirteen: 175.2
Week fourteen: 173.6
Week fifteen: 174.0
Week sixteen: 173.4 (AF week)

Total: 8.6 lbs lost

Well, that's that. I guess .6 lbs is better than nothing. It's been going up and down all week, though. I'm sick of seeing 173, can I please see 172 sometime soon? lol

So.... drum roll please....

For now, he is NOT being deployed. For now, for this second, for this day, he will not deploy. That is not to say that tomorrow could be different. For now, I will have my follicle scan appointment on the 20th and pray that he stays long enough for IUI#2 which will probably be around April 27th-ish. If they pull another fast one, I wont be surprised. But for now, he is home, he is safe, and he is not being deployed. :)

My grandfather has been in the hospital for the past 2 weeks. Since then, we have found out he has cancer in his lung, spine, and liver. A few days ago they did an MRI and found out he had several strokes since being in the hospital. He is being sent home on Saturday and will be cared for by hospice. The doctors gave him 6 weeks to live before he had his MRI. Since the MRI, and finding out about his strokes, I'm guessing it will be less than that. My family had stuck by his side and have been doing everything they can to make him comfortable and not in pain. I can't wait until he is able to go home to be in the comfort of his own space. I am praying that he passes peacefully and we are all beside him when his time comes. I am excited for him, that he will soon be meeting God and Jesus. I just pray for my grandmother and my own mother. My grandmother is taking it pretty well but as for my mother, she has been crying off an on for the past week and has missed a ton of work (they make her leave because she's been crying and can't handle working with her first graders). I am glad they made her leave. She needs to be with her father as much as she can before he goes. I know it will be a difficult transition, but life ends somewhere. We wont all be here forever on earth. We will get through this. I just ask that if you have read this far, to please pray for my family during this rough time.

Sad news...

After scheduling my follie scan appointment, I came home from work to find out that my husband IS deploying. When? A few short weeks. :( There goes my excitement. I really am going to miss him. I just don't know why I let myself get excited. I should have waited to do anything until that unit was gone and deployed and knew that he wouldn't be going. But, no, I didn't. I'm left with a broken heart... it's not so great feeling. Well, I'm hopeful for a December 2013 or January 2014 baby. I'm so angry right now.

Happy Easter, Easter Bunny!!

Guess what the Easter Bunny brought to me this morning? AF! I guessed my ovulation day and I was pretty much on the nose! Thank God and Jesus for this beautiful day and a new, long awaited (5 months), IUI#2 cycle. I am so excited I can hardly stand it. Plus, summer is almost here!!!! Hopefully we will come out with a January baby when it's all said and done. I'm excited and you should be too!!

Weigh in and OFFICIAL news!

Week one: 182.0
Week two: 180.6
Week three: 179.6(AF week)
Week four: 178.2
Week five: 179.0 (Provera week)
Week six: 180.0 (AF week)
Week seven: 179.0 (Follistim week)
Week eight: didn't track (Follistim week)
Week nine: didn't track
Week ten: 177.4 (first myfitnesspal week)
Week eleven: 177.4 (AF week)
Week twelve: 174.2
Week thirteen: 175.2
Week fourteen: 173.6
Week fifteen: 174.0

Total lost: 8 lbs lost.

Ugh, what the heck? Don't know what that gain is about. Ate my calories and stayed within a good range. I did do a zumba class as well as ran a few miles throughout the week. I really, honestly, don't know what is wrong with my body!!!!

It's OFFICIAL!!!! He is NOT deploying!!! :) I am so stoked about this. We plan on doing an IUI as soon as AF shows her lovely face. I'm assuming she will be here this weekend or at least by Monday (hopefully). I am so blessed. I cannot wait to get the ball on the road. Praying that we are successful....

No deployment??? Huh????

So, you know how my husband was supposed to be deployed? Well, he is now telling me that he should not be deploying with his old unit. His old unit was 2-18 FAR and he is now in C-Tab. Well, last week, we thought he was going to deploy and everything. He even had orders back to 2-18 from C Tab. On Thursday, he got the news to go back to C Tab (who is not deploying). And he is pretty much saying they changed their minds about sending him (and a few other soldiers) back to 2-18. It a bit confusing to say the least. I am pretty sure it's all still up in the air, though. But, for now, he isn't being deployed. This could change at any moment, though.

So with him hopefully not being deployed, I asked him if he wanted to do another IUI cycle next month. I'm currently around 7dpo. I haven't being temping/using OPK's this month so it could less or it could be more. I'm going off a guess that O was CD 20. The follistim from last cycle may have played a part in this cycle (because Clomid made me O sooner in the months following the initial month of taking it) and I could be further in my 2ww or less. Who knows? I didn't even track our days of BD. Who knows? But when AF comes, I think we will schedule a CD 14 follie scan and schedule an IUI. I was so excited when he told me he wasn't supposed to deploy and that things changed.

We also talked about the decision of doing another IUI with the possibility of him leaving and we both decided that we can't play God and try to plan everything accordingly. We know we want a baby. We know we are ready. Why wait? Yes, I need to lose another 20 lbs at least, but I am healthy, I know what and what not to eat. I know I need to exercise as much as I can. I know all the pros and cons of trying to get pregnant when my husband is possibly going to leave. Any military family goes through this. You CAN'T plan and have things go EXACTLY your way all the time. Things have gone our way (besides getting pregnant) 100% in the last few years. God has blessed us.

Please pray for us. This decision wasn't easy, but I know we will be fine in whatever happens. God will provide the answers and all we can do is depend on Him. :)

Next Step: Wait for AF (should be around April 7th)!!! And then follie scan should be April 20th (good guess). I am EXCITED!