Our TTC Journey

Monday, April 23, 2012

Infertility ramblings...

I changed my blog up a little bit. I got bored with it.

I started Provera on the 22nd. so I should get AF by May 1st. I call Provera the devil pill because it brings AF to visit. But I'll do whatever it takes to move onto a new cycle and with new hope to get our little miracle. i am guessing the hysteroscopy will be around the 7th of May. He also wanted to me come in for a baseline ultrasound to start follistim again. I will probably have that on May 2nd-3rd depending on when AF comes to visit. I'm ready to get this all on the ball and rolling because I can't wait until the testing part. I bought 50 wondfos from Amazon and 15 earlypregnancytest.com 10miu's. I'm eager to see what happens with this next cycle, especially having the hysteroscopy and having renewed hope that this can all happen naturally, without IUI. I am praying it works.

In my head I play with the idea that the reason why our last IUI worked so well was because the swimmer catheter bypassed this "polyp" I have, making the swimmers more able to get to their destination. I've been thinking about this for a while. It makes sense, right? I have so much going through my mind. I also thing this ugly "polyp" comes and goes every now and again because my RE sees it sometimes and others he doesn't. Unless the times he doesn't see it he isn't looking for that so may skip over it somehow while getting the measurements for my ovaries and follies. There are lots of questions to be answered and I'm not quite sure if I will get those answers or not. I also wonder if that polyp was the reason for our chemical in November. We will never know. I just pray that our next pregnancy is full term with a healthy baby.

I don't have much else to share. Life is crazy and sometimes I just get so wrapped up in everyday things that I don't think to post on my blog. I really would like to make it more personable other than just it being an infertility blog. I have so much on my mind, but I just don't know where to start typing. And at times, I just don't feel like typing out all my feelings. It's weird because I used to blog on Livejournal and another blogging website and would often times pour out all my feelings every day. I just don't know how to do that any more. It doesn't come out at the tip of my fingers like it used to. Maybe as time goes by with this battle of infertility I have just not wanted to whole heartedly pour myself into this blog? I already whole heartedly give almost every second of the day to my thoughts on when I will become a mother. There's no stopping those thoughts, I have tried. When I start to think I feel normal throughout the day, something reminds me that I am infertile and I start to think about the next thing we are trying, the dates that we will be trying those new things, and when we will possibly have our own child. It's a vicious cycle. Some day it wont be like this. Surely God will grant us our miracle and we can breathe easy of infertility for a short time to be able to enjoy our miracle.

Until then, I will still be reminded each and every day of the fact that we do not have a baby of our own yet. As each day passes, we get closer but we never know how much. Patience is something every person going through infertility must have. I don't know if it's just a given, or we learn it along the way. All I know is that mine is running thin. It has been for over a year now. I'm tired of infertility. I won't let it rule my life. Wait, I don't know how to NOT let it rule my life. But I will try my hardest to do whatever I can to keep it at bay in those times where it's the most heart wrenching feeling in the world. God will provide.

I'm sorry if this post seems like I'm just rambling on and on. When I blogged a long time ago I used to have everything flow perfectly and make sense. But for some reason, this entry seems to be long and sounds like I'm ranting way too much. Maybe that's what I needed for tonight? May, can you please hurry up and get here?

Besides, our 4th wedding anniversary is in about a month. I'm just a wee bit excited!

1 comment:

  1. I love that phrase 'As each day passes, we get closer but we never know how much'. That gives a lot of hope but the unknown factor kills us!
    You know what...things are going to be just fine. Take this as a breathing time for you and as always dont ever let that strong heart of yours down!