Our TTC Journey

Monday, April 16, 2012

I love you, Opa. Rest In Peace.

Opa passed away this morning and is now watching over us from above. I got to my Oma's house this afternoon, walked into the kitchen to wash my hands, fully expecting to walk into their den to visit with my Opa, who was hooked up to oxygen and having his 6 children and several grandchildren taking turns taking care of him because he could not fin for himself. I had my thoughts specifically set on having an awesome visit for a few hours and then go to Zumba afterwards.

My aunt walked into the kitchen, and thought I already knew about his passing, but I didn't. I continued to wash my hands and told my aunt that my husband had scheduled for the Chaplain to come pray with Opa and our family. At this point, my Aunt didn't know that I didn't know he had passed. We both then started cleaning up the coffee that was brewing, but had started spilling out the sides because someone forgot to pour the old coffee out. We didn't really say anything else because our minds were lost in the coffee.

Then, my mom walked into the kitchen. I saw her and she looked a little broken in the face. You know, the upset and tired look. I knew she had been crying. I told her that my husband had the Chaplain coming to pray with us. She told me, "I was going to call you and tell you." and I was like, "huh?" She continued, "He passed away this morning and I didn't want to bother you at work so that's why I didn't call." I didn't say much for a few minutes. I just stood there, staring at the wall. I didn't cry. I didn't do anything but think to myself that wow, he is really gone, and God has taken him to be peaceful and amazingly happy in heaven.

It wasn't until we started talking about how he passed, and if we were going to have a viewing of the body or not. I remembered how hard it was to see Scott's grandmother at her wake and funeral service. It hurt my heart so much to think that I would be going through the same thing with my grandfather. At this point, I started crying. I didn't want to remember my Opa that way, just laying there, silent, dead.

My family has decided to not do a viewing or funeral home service. My Oma just wants a grave site service for him. I couldn't be happier with her decision.

While my mom and Aunt were explaining to me how everything happened this morning, my Oma was sleeping. She then woke up and looked like a train wreck. I felt so bad, and just hugged her. We sat in the kitchen for about 2 hours, just talking and trying to figure out how this week will go. The funeral will be either Wednesday or Friday.

This situation is so hard to go through. My mom is taking it hard. She saw him take his last breath. She said the last few words to him that he will ever hear (along with my 2 other Aunts). She is good for a few hours, then starts to cry and it's a vicious cycle. I have hugged her quite often this past week. I'm sure she is really exhausted from taking shifts with my other Aunts and Uncle for my Opa's care, trying to keep her spirits up, and just trying to be there mostly for my Oma, at this point. Let's just say, I got to my Oma's at 4pm, my mom got there shortly after. I left at 8:30pm, and my mom stayed there with my Oma and my Uncle.

When Scott arrived, and then decided to leave to get out of his uniform, Oma told me to go with him. She then, I quote, said, "Go with your husband, spend all the time you can with him, while you still can." and then started sobbing. I didn't know what to say or do. I just hugged her, and so did Scott. I feel so horrible. I just want to take all her pain away. I know she has to grieve, but I couldn't imagine losing my husband. I looked at Scott tonight and just thanked God for what he has given me. I pray that our marriage is just a strong and lasts just as long as my Oma and Opa's did.

I'm sorry I rambled, but I just had to get it out and thought I'd share with you all. My appointment is still on for Friday. If the funeral is early on Friday, like around 10-11am, I have to call and reschedule for hopefully a 7am appointment. We will see.... please just pray for my Oma. I'm worried about her.

Oh -- I wanted to add that my Oma said, "When one person dies, a baby is born." and I immediately go the chills. My mom then brought up the fact that we were trying and she said, "A baby is going to be born!" and my Oma suddenly got happy, and started asking a million questions. I told her about our treatments and how we had the m/c back in November (because only my mom knew). She said she was sorry for our loss, but that God will bring us a baby. I still can't believe my MOM said "There's going to be a baby soon." I almost wanted to strangle her for saying that, because it got my hopes up. And that's the last thing I want to do with this cycle.... but I only pray that she is right, when one person dies, a baby is born. That baby just might be ours.

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