Our TTC Journey

Sunday, May 20, 2012

WHEN will I become a mother?

It's not the question of if I will ever become a mother, but when. I was going through *creeping* on a friend's facebook pictures of her, her husband, and their son (4 months). I could not help but to stop and stare at a picture of their son and her husband. The picture was of daddy talking to baby and baby was totally into the "conversation" (or looked like it). It was at that moment when I got the butterflies in my stomach as if I were imagining it to be my husband and our baby. It made me feel bad for us. It brought me emotions that when I feel them, I just feel like crying. I can't wait to see my husband and our children with him. I can't wait to watch them play together. I can't wait to watch my husband bond with his son or daughter from the very day he or she is born. All of these thoughts are screaming through my head and I haven't had these feelings in a while. I guess I've just kind of pushed them away because I don't want to feel sad. I know that our time will come. We may just have to continue waiting. Oh, to make this little picture worse, my friend and her husbands 1 year wedding anniversary is on angel baby's due date. Sweet, huh? :/

We decided to BD last night, at 8 days passed surgery. I think we were supposed to wait 2 weeks, but oh well. My spotting stopped on Thursday. It felt soooo goood. I don't regret it. :) I am currently waiting on a positive digital OPK. I got 3 packs at Goodwill about 3 months ago for $5.99 each (a steal). I am also temping and taking all my meds. I am not really thinking anything will happen this cycle. I am just praying that I O at least by CD 24, so that when I see my RE on the 29th (CD 28) he will check me to see if I have ovulated. Well, usually you check the P4 at 7dpo. I'm praying that I O, and if I O after CD 24, I will bring my chart and show it to my DR to prove to him I have ovulated already so I wont have to take the evil Provera. My husband is totally AGAINST taking Provera for the 3rd time this year. I am, too. I think RE just has not given my ovaries enough time to produce a nice follicle. Of course there wont be a huge dominant follie on day 13 of my cycle if I ovulate on day 20ish, DUH! I'm really praying that I ovulate between CD 20-25. But, my body just may be a little screwed up from surgery. I don't know if I will accept taking Provera if my body doesn't work correctly this month. But I REALLY don't want to have to deal with waiting longer for AF. It will be interesting to see how it works out.
The first time I took Provera, I got AF after 2 days of stopping the pill. That was the month of Follistim injections. Well, I only had an 18mm follie on day 18 and ovulated on day 20. Which, my body has done by itself in the past. I also had spotting the few days before ovulation (quite a bit!!). So this makes me question if Provera was the reason why my body decided to O late even WITH injections. Yeah, it was a small dose, but clomid made me ovulate on day 16. So I just don't get it. A part of me makes me think that taking Provera is making me O later. But I guess we wont know until this month is up because I took it at the end of April to induce AF.... so having a late O this month may tell me that Provera is the culprit of my late O, but I just don't know!!! My late O this month could very well be from the hysteroscopy/polypectomy. Who knows?

I'm trying to relax and not worry about all of these things. I just want to get pregnant without even thinking about it. But, as we know, that won't happen. I am fine, I will be okay. God just has some crazy stuff planned for us... and I know His timing will be peftect.

No comments:

Post a Comment