Dear God,

First of all I want to thank you for giving me such a wonderful life to share with my husband. I can never thank you enough. I thank you for giving us the life of Christ who has helped me in so many ways. I also thank you for giving me this beautiful day, this day of ovulation. I ask of you one thing: Please let my husbands sperm fertilize my freshly ovulated egg and bring it to a healthy pregnancy. I do know that in your time, it will happen. I trust in you, Lord. I know that you know we have been waiting quite a while for this blessing. I pray that you keep both of us healthy through out this journey. My faith in you is stronger every day. Please take away all my worries and help me to relax through this two week wait, as well as other women going thought the same thing.

In your heavenly name, Amen.

Screw you, dreams!

So for the past few nights I have been having these dreams of my "ex-friend" Felicia. You see, she was my friend. It all went down hill when she got pregnant. It took her a year. I was excited for her and a tad bit jealous. I tried my hardest not to show the jealousy. My husband was deployed at this time and there wasn't anything I could do to make myself feel better about the situation. She would text me every day with something new. When she got to about 18 weeks the texting went on overdrive. I'd get 2-3 texts a day about her pregnancy. So right before my husband came home from Iraq, I told her to lighten the load, and to respect me because she knew what I was going through and how it feels to want a baby of your own so badly. Let's just say she decided that I wasn't being a good friend by doing this. The tables were turned, and apparently I was the worst friend ever. She got her mom to fight this "battle" and they talked alot of crap about me. All I was doing was watching out for my own sanity. I was going crazy with all the texts she was sending me, and ultrasound pictures. Blah, blah, blah. So we just didn't talk to each other any more because I lost my respect for her. But I knew on the inside that I had done nothing wrong. I simply asked her to slow down on all the baby info and to respect me as I was going through infertility and especially since my husband was gone. It was a very hard time for me to get through. To this day I don't completely understand why she was so harsh about me asking her to back off. I just don't get it! :/ I'm a good person, I did so much for her. I gave her a roof over her head when her mother kicked her out for no reason before her and her husband got married. She was my maid of honor, etc. I bought baby stuff for her. I even planned to drive the 2.5 hour drive to go to her baby shower. I guess she just didn't appreciate me. How selfish could she be? Everyone told me that I was better than her. I just don't like when people are angry with me, especially if I didn't do anything wrong. I just want respect, and didn't get it.

So in my crazy dreams I've been having, I've been seeing myself hanging out with her family. Last night's dream, in particular, her and I were sitting on a couch outside her mothers house and she had two small children. Maybe a 3 month old and a 1 year old. She was also pregnant. (In real life right now, she is pregnant with her second.) Now I know I had envy in my dream of her and her family. I held those babies and was totally content. I can't figure out why there were 2 children. I can't figure out why I would be having those dreams about her. I just hate going though infertility and being so jealous and envious of others all the time. I just want to be a mother. I hate feeling bad for myself. I hate not knowing when we will be parents. I guess you could say I'm a controlling type of person. If I'm not in control, I pretty much go crazy. And that's what I'm doing! lol I just pray that I don't dream of those who are disrespectful and selfish any more. God will answer my prayers, I know he will.

In other fun news~
The injection sight on my tummy of the HCG trigger is red, bigger than the size of a half dollar, and it's super itchy. :( It also kind of hurts if I lean up against a counter or something. I hope this pain and burning will result in something beautiful. I pray to God that this is our month. We will just have to see. As for BDing, tonight, tomorrow, and Thursday are in the works. :)

~Shannon

And BDing begins!

Went to our appointment today. Good news! Clomid did it's job and I had one follie at 20.3 mm!! Yay for only one, right? Don't know how I would deal with twins or something! haha Anyway, the nurse did the trigger shot and said to go home and do our "homework" for tonight and tomorrow. We will probably be doing extra credit on Wednesday and Thursday, possibly Friday as well.

Here's the kicker~
He did a post coital test and I wasn't good. :( He told me that it was due to the Clomid, which I had expected. We looked at the swimmers and there were TONS of white blood cells. He said it's due to the clomid blocking the estrogen or something? Not sure if this is correct, but I understood what he was saying. Although he did not say anything about using any lubricant, we went ahead and picked up some fresh PreSeed to help us out because my CM is hostile. HOW FUN! No wonder why our BDing has always been rather dry. :/

So in a couple of days we will start the two week wait! He said if I don't get my period by the 15th, then I need to come in that morning and do a progesterone & beta test. I got excited about this. I only pray that it works! I'm super excited! But cautiously thinking about all of the outcomes. He said if it didn't work this cycle, that next cycle he didn't want me to take Clomid and he just wanted to monitor my normal cycle at CD 13 with an ultrasound to see if am capable of maturing an egg early but just don't release it until later in my cycle. We will see how that goes. At least he is trying to figure out our issues!

But for now, we will do our homework and hopefully the PreSeed helps those swimmers get to where they need to be!

~Shannon

Almost appointment time!

Tomorrow at 8:45 am is our appointment with Dr. Haas (RE). He's doing another post coital test to make sure the last one was accurate because we didn't BD at the correct time (oops!). I'm pretty sure it will come out fine and that we will see tons of DH's swimmers under the microscope on that little TV. I'm amused easily, so seeing his swimmers like this was very entertaining. :x Haha! Anyway, so it's also CD 13 tomorrow and he will be doing an ultrasound to check my follicles from being on Clomid. Since this is our first month going this route I feel positive about this. Since I ovulate around CD 19-20, he said it's possible that it's just too late in my cycle for my body to accept a pregnancy. So if my follicles are ready tomorrow, they will administer the HCG trigger shot to make me ovulate. I'm really praying my follicles are matured! Because if not, I may end up ovulating as if I would have normally done. I worry about this because I only took 25mg of Clomid. We will see how this works out. I'm praying for the best. Like I said, I feel very positive about this but at the same time I feel like it's not going to work. I feel like we're going to need more invasive treatments to be successful in this. I pray that we wont have to go into more treatments, but you always have to hope for the best and expect the worst because then you wont be so disappointed in the end.

Every time DH brings up something that he wants to buy that is pricey, I REALLY want to be able to let him buy it. But in the back of my head I think, "We could be using that money for IUI or in case it gets that far, for IVF." I feel so bad that we have to plan around buying stuff we'd like to buy, especially for my DH. He has SO many things he wants. We both want a baby. If IUI or IVF is the way it will happen, well he will just have to wait on those other materialistic things. We're not getting any younger. I know 25 & 26 is pretty young, but if we put it off for any longer, before you know it we will be 30! My goal is to have at least one child before the age of 30! I know I have to be patient and in time it will happen.

Anyway, Facebook is evil. Just like other infertiles would say, it's packed with pregnancy announcements and photos of babies, toddlers, and happy families enjoying their children. ~sigh~ I don't know why I torture myself by not blocking posts from people who have infants or are recently pregnant. I find myself looking through their pictures and having so much envy. It just really stinks when all you see are fertile people around you and you're the only one who knows how it feels to not be able to get that one thing you've been praying for, for a long time. God is good, don't get me wrong, I just need to keep praying that he will keep us both healthy. He has the right timing. :) I trust Him! I just need to be a bit more patient!

I will more than likely be updating after tomorrows scan. ~fingers crossed there's a couple mature follies!~


~Shannon

Chunkin' up the duces

TO MY FAT!

I have been having trouble lately staying on track with Weight Watchers. You would think after being on WW for 1.5 yrs it would be easy. Now that I'm about 25 lbs away from goal, it's harder than ever. I cheat a lot, which is very stupid of me. I am still in the "over weight" category for BMI. ~sigh~ Although I have lost and gained some back, I am right at 78 lbs lost. My lowest was 82 lbs lost. My plan for all of this is to become a healthy mother. Maybe it just hasn't happened yet because I'm not a normal weight? For crying out loud, I'm 170 lbs now. I don't look fat. I feel fat though. It's strange to go from 247 and try to be able to get used to your body. Somehow, you still always feel like that fat girl you once were. I really think I'm "bigger" for the weight of 170 compared to others who weight 170. Who knows? But I'm really going to try to stay on track. I want this baby more than ever and I pray to God that he gives me the strength to keep losing this weight, and being healthy. So, I've been going to the gym, or trying to, every other day. Sometimes I skip 2 days. But that's okay because at least I'm going, right? Today I had a great workout. It relieves the stress of infertility and it makes me want to beat it so bad. It gives me the energy to fight this stupid battle that's right in my body. God, please help me fight this battle. I know I will win, some day! :)

In other news, my BBT went from 97.4 yesterday to 98.2 today. What the hell? I did go to sleep later and woke up later, but usually that doesn't change it that much. Maybe I did ovulate while I was feeling those throbbing pains? I guess I'll find out on Monday. I really am praying that those eggies are still there growing and are ready to be fertilized next week. So, so ready!

~Shannon

God, please help.

So I spend an excessive amount of time on the webside Two Week Wait. I lurk the site quite a bit and often times leave comments to posts and even post as well.

Well recently I have been coming across a lady whose name is Lisa. I know she doesn't know me well, and I know this probably seems stalker-ish, but I don't care. Well, I had remembered she had a follow up appointment today with her doctor about her autoimmune test results. So I decided to go to her blog to see if she mentioned anything about it. Come to find out, she did. And it was devastating news. The worst she could have ever imagined. Let's just say their only chance of having a child of their own is by using a surrogate, or doing some specialized IVF that have a very LOW chance of even working. My heart is broken to pieces. When I used to lurk TWW in 2009(before I became obsessed) I remember seeing her posting on people's questions, and POAS pictures. That was 2 YEARS AGO! This just breaks my heart even more. To have to wait SO LONG and try SO HARD to get that one thing you hoped and prayed for, for so long, for it to all be a dream unable to come true.

Now this may sound selfish, but I pray to God that something like this never happens to my husband and I. I can only imagine the tears I would cry, the depression, and all the heartache I would have. I pray, pray, and pray some more every night that God will bless all the infertile's out there with beautiful, bouncing babies. Even if it is adoption. God has a plan, He knows who can handle what. He know when to shine that light at the end of the tunnel. I always have to remind myself of this. But all I can think of in my head is that it is possible for this to happen to us. And that just leaves this fog in the back of my head. This makes me have the urge to have my RE test for the autoimmune disorders just in case, so we could get the news before we continue trying. I just would like to know what the heck is going on with my body that it is so hard for something to happen when EVERYTHING is right in timing. ~Prayers are much needed in this day of grief for Lisa and her husband. This is the least I can do for a complete stranger with disastrous news.


To turn you attention to some different news, today I have been feeling some throbbing pains throughout the day around my right ovary. I wonder if the clomid is making me have hugetastic follies? I only pray that since today is day 8, that I am not ovulating(which would be totally insane, but possible in every way). Why do I say this? Because, well, my husband is in the field for the next 2 days and the dancing will not being going on until at least Friday night. Horray for us? I don't know! I shouldn't worry though. I will know by Monday if my follies are crazy or not. Maybe I'm just the crazy one? But that throbbing feeling is something I don't think I have ever had. ~sigh~

On another note, I forgot to add in the post I made about my dentist appointment, etc. While I was waiting in the waiting room, I picked up a magazine, of which I forgot the name, and what was it all about? BABIES! BABIES! BABIES! Celeb babies, twins, nurseries, and toddlers wearing "best dressed" titles. GAG ME NOW! This was one of those EXTRA, PEOPLE, OR SEVENTEEN mags. I picked it up anyway. So I come across several twins, and very cute baby faces. I was so happy for all these people in this magazine to have conceived without worry of not being able to. ~sigh again~ What gives? I had to torture myself, right? So they finally called my name and I decided to put the magazine down and just FORGET that I picked it up. Congrats to all you celebs that can get pregnant by just drinking water. Way to go, you!!! :)

To add to this torture~

I was visiting my mom this evening since Scott (DH) is in the field for the next few days. We were watching the news. Then after the news there was a special Nightline/Dateline(whatever it's called on ABC) that came on about The Dougars and all their 20 million kids and their family friends The Bates, the other family with 20 million kids. God is trying to tell me something, right? I'm thinking it might be that these families are the ones who are baring our children and raising them for us? ~sigh triple~ Either that or that He's telling me by showing me so many babies and children's faces today that this will be our month? I am not quite sure, but we will find out in about 3 weeks. Alas, I will not fret, I will pray for good health of my womb and my husbands swimmers. Please, God, give us the miracle we've always dreamed of! :)

Still praying for Lisa, I am so completely devastated for her. ~sigh quadruple~


~Shannon

Clean Teeth!

I have been dreading this darn dentist appointment for the past month. I hadn't been to the dentist since before we go married(3+ yrs), because me moved and I was too "busy" to schedule one.

So I went to my appointment today with my old dentist. I got there 20 minutes before my appointment and waited at least 35 minutes in the waiting room to be seen. (Talk about torture!!) So I was finally called in to be seated and ended up getting the whole x-ray thing of my mouth. I was quite nervous because I didn't think I took care of my teeth as much as I should have over the past 3 years. But, surprisingly, my dental hygienist said that my teeth look pretty good compared to some after not being cleaned for 3 years, Lol. I was so worried about getting another cavity or something was terribly wrong like I might have to get a root canal done. I swear, sometimes I think the worst. Maybe that's what God is trying to tell me? Calm down, stay positive, and things will work out in the end. They always do, right? I am pleased to say that I HAVE A CLEAN BILL OF HEALTH FROM MY DENTIST! Praise God!!!!! And I have a nice polished, shiny smile! :D Can you tell my excitement? I am so glad that is OVER!!! At least part of my body wants to be normal, right?

I have been reading lots of blogs lately of those who are trying to get over the hump of infertility. It really, in a strange way, helps me get those thoughts of being "alone" in this situation out of my head. I am not alone, but it breaks my heart to see so many women and men who have to go through such heartbreak. I only pray that God will heal all of them and bring joy into their lives. He will do good things if you ask and praise him for what he has done. It really amazes me how I look back at my life and see how much He has blessed me and I thank him every day for it. We are blessed, and sometimes we just have to take a minute to appreciate everything we DO have, and not what we DON'T. :)

~Shannon

Long Boring Day!!!

I've been sitting here since I woke up this morning at 9am, waiting for my HCG trigger shot to get here so I can sign for it. If it doesn't get here today I will be a tiny bit ticked off. Hopefully Freedom Pharmacy has their act together. It's 1:19, I'd like to take a shower without worrying if the door bell will ring! I guess I can do some chores, but I really don't feel like doing ANYTHING but taking a shower. I feel pretty gross!


*Update
So It's 2:53 and I the FexEx lady came and dropped off my HCG. As soon as I got it I opened the box to check if everything was there. So I'm new to this trigger thing and I'm not quite sure how it's going to work out. It's a little bit intimidating. So I take everything out, there's a syringe, the HCG itself, and a needle. Oh boy, I don't know if I'm ready for this. Wait, I know I am! It's just a little bit freaky that I have to get a darn shot to make me ovulate at the correct time! Deep breaths, I will get though this! Hopefully in result will be a beautiful bouncing baby! We can only pray.

~Shannon

New Blog!

I am so excited to finally be making a blog to share my infertility experience with everyone! I will take this time to give you a little info about myself. My name is Shannon, as if you haven't already seen it at the top of this blog. ;P I have been with my Army husband for 5 years, but married for 3 of those years. We have endured so much together including: deployments, infertility for 2+ years, and recently buying our first house. We have two furkids named Chloe and Andy. They are yorkshire terriers and we love them to pieces!! We currently reside in Lawton/Fort Sill, Oklahoma. This is "home" to us and we are proud to say that we are able to see our families all the time because of our recent PCS here in January of 2011. Before moving back home, we lived in Fort Riley, Kansas which is about 6 hours from Fort Sill, Oklahoma. The Army has it's ups and downs but for the most part, I have enjoyed these last 5 years of our lives together. It's not always easy, but we make the best of it.