Our TTC Journey

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Screw you, dreams!

So for the past few nights I have been having these dreams of my "ex-friend" Felicia. You see, she was my friend. It all went down hill when she got pregnant. It took her a year. I was excited for her and a tad bit jealous. I tried my hardest not to show the jealousy. My husband was deployed at this time and there wasn't anything I could do to make myself feel better about the situation. She would text me every day with something new. When she got to about 18 weeks the texting went on overdrive. I'd get 2-3 texts a day about her pregnancy. So right before my husband came home from Iraq, I told her to lighten the load, and to respect me because she knew what I was going through and how it feels to want a baby of your own so badly. Let's just say she decided that I wasn't being a good friend by doing this. The tables were turned, and apparently I was the worst friend ever. She got her mom to fight this "battle" and they talked alot of crap about me. All I was doing was watching out for my own sanity. I was going crazy with all the texts she was sending me, and ultrasound pictures. Blah, blah, blah. So we just didn't talk to each other any more because I lost my respect for her. But I knew on the inside that I had done nothing wrong. I simply asked her to slow down on all the baby info and to respect me as I was going through infertility and especially since my husband was gone. It was a very hard time for me to get through. To this day I don't completely understand why she was so harsh about me asking her to back off. I just don't get it! :/ I'm a good person, I did so much for her. I gave her a roof over her head when her mother kicked her out for no reason before her and her husband got married. She was my maid of honor, etc. I bought baby stuff for her. I even planned to drive the 2.5 hour drive to go to her baby shower. I guess she just didn't appreciate me. How selfish could she be? Everyone told me that I was better than her. I just don't like when people are angry with me, especially if I didn't do anything wrong. I just want respect, and didn't get it.

So in my crazy dreams I've been having, I've been seeing myself hanging out with her family. Last night's dream, in particular, her and I were sitting on a couch outside her mothers house and she had two small children. Maybe a 3 month old and a 1 year old. She was also pregnant. (In real life right now, she is pregnant with her second.) Now I know I had envy in my dream of her and her family. I held those babies and was totally content. I can't figure out why there were 2 children. I can't figure out why I would be having those dreams about her. I just hate going though infertility and being so jealous and envious of others all the time. I just want to be a mother. I hate feeling bad for myself. I hate not knowing when we will be parents. I guess you could say I'm a controlling type of person. If I'm not in control, I pretty much go crazy. And that's what I'm doing! lol I just pray that I don't dream of those who are disrespectful and selfish any more. God will answer my prayers, I know he will.

In other fun news~
The injection sight on my tummy of the HCG trigger is red, bigger than the size of a half dollar, and it's super itchy. :( It also kind of hurts if I lean up against a counter or something. I hope this pain and burning will result in something beautiful. I pray to God that this is our month. We will just have to see. As for BDing, tonight, tomorrow, and Thursday are in the works. :)


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