Goodbye 2011, Hello 2012!!!!!

In memory of 2011, I've decided to do a recap of the year. :)

Januray:
We were living with my mother, searching for our own house to buy. We looked at over 50 different homes in the area. We finally found one on January 5th, put an offer in, and they accepted! :) We casually TTC, but living at my mom's house it was a tad bit strange.

February:
I started charting my BBT in the middle of the month and set an appointment with my RE to get some testing done and help with TTC. On the 22nd, we moved into our brand new house.

March:
I started working as a substitute teacher this month. I also had my first RE appointment which just so happened to fall on day 3 of my cycle so we could get started right away! HSG came back normal. He told us to keep charting and get DH's sperm analysis done. At the end of the month we got the results that DH's SA was normal! Horray! This gave me a huge feeling of hope for us. My RE also gave me the news about my elevated prolactin and that is when I started taking bromocriptine in hopes to get my level into the normal range(it did within a month).

April:
My husband went to train in Wyoming for a month. We were on a break cycle until the middle of May. I continued my job as a substitute teacher.

May:
DH came home from training. RE found a polyp in my uterus and ordered an SHG, which turned out normal(no polyps) and was VERY PAINFUL! RE also did first post-coital test which was okay. Continued TTC naturally. We had our 3 year wedding anniversary! Wow, where has time gone?

June:
I stopped working (summer time) and worked outside on the lawn the whole month. Since we live in Oklahoma, we hardly had any rain during the summer. I was picking weeds and watering the lawn as well as frequently changing up the flower bed in the front of the house. My first time really "gardening." It got my mind off TTC and I truely enjoyed it. We also celebrated our 5 year mark as being a couple. He is the man God always had for me. :)

July:
RE on vacation, so TTC naturally. We went on vacation to NY to visit my dad, DH's cousin, and some long-time friends who also live in NY. A VERY much needed break from "reality."

August:
Re decided to put me on a very low dose of Clomid for the first time. I O'd on CD 15 with HCG trigger. Boy, was that trigger scary. I turned 25, yay! Openly asked for a baby.

September:
No more Clomid for me! RE decided it did harsh things to my uterine lining and cervical mucus. RE found another "polyp" and ordered another SHG, which turned out normal. Another natural cycle with trigger and ovulation was a tad bit earlier than normal. I start working as a class size assistant for 3rd grade, 31 kids, at an elementary school in town(5 min from my house).

October:
The month we concieved our first baby through IUI. I will never forget that feeling of being overwhelmed and hoping, praying, and trying hard to believe I was truly pregnant. It felt so surreal, like it wasn't me. I prayed so hard for God to help me realize that is was true and I praised him for giving us such a miracle.

November:
I'll always remember this month as the month of our first miscarriage. It was not fun at all. I prayed and prayed to God that something good would come out of this, and it did. I grew stronger with each day that passed. We had a break cycle, but still charted BBT, but surprise, a BFN. Eh... I was heartbroken. The pregnancy gave me lots of hope and and I thought it would be possible for it to happen naturally. Not this month, I guess.

December:
On a break cycle due to the holidays, per my RE. Enjoying the holidays with my husband and family. Planning for our second IUI in late January.

This year has been very challenging. We have been through so many ups and downs. I have learned so many lessons and God has truly opened my heart more than ever this year. I will forever thank him for his graciousness. Although this is not everything that happened in 2011, it is mostly just TTC info and the major points that I want to remember and be able to look at in future dates. I pray that 2012 brings us lots of love, joy laugher, hope, and miracles. I see year 2012 as a year for a successful pregnancy which ends in a sweet healthy bundle of joy waiting at the end of the rainbow! Now that would be pure gold.

My new years resolution(s): Lose 30 lbs, and have a successful pregnancy. Here's to 2012!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!
2012, YOU BETTER BE READY!!!

Irritation

Yes, this is yet another rant post. I feel like this blog is a place to share my happiness and sadness. I feel like there is way more sadness than that good feeling. Today my friend, who I will continue to call "M", the one who is due 3 days after our m/c due date, posted a picture of her 10.5 week old little baby from their ultrasound. When I saw that picture it almost made me cry. I felt so hurt and so ashamed to feel this way, this overwhelming sense of jealousy. Infertility has brought a ton of this feeling into my life which I am not completely happy nor excited about. I just want to feel normal again and not be so jealous. It just really stings my heart to see something that would have possibly been ours during this time. It just really sucks to see her going through this when it was suppose to be me and my husband.

Somewhere deep in my heart, I had a feeling like this would happen. I have thought deep and hard about possible situations that could happen any day. Sometimes I think that my sister, who is 20 years old, will conceive before us. She has been with her boyfriend for a year now. They are talking about getting married after college (about 2-3 years away). It's not official yet. I just have this feeling deep down that they will have a child before us. I would be excited, overwhelmed, and speechless. The only thing I pray about is that they don't have to go through infertility. I pray so hard that she does not have to go through this pain and agony of each month of BFN's and worry 24/7. I know I am on a break cycle, but it still consumes my life. Everything I do, I think about, "What if we had a child right now, this task wouldn't be so easy." And I try to enjoy every moment of being childless because I know one day, we will not be childless. I think I will be devastated if she gets pregnant before me. And I really don't want to feel that way. I'm just to tired of feeling jealous and anxious. :(

When I'm feeling down, I turn to cooking/baking. Which leads me to eat lots of necessary food items like cookies, cake, and home baked bread. Ugh, and the lbs have packed on since the m/c. I have gained 20 lbs from my lost 80 lbs in the last year. It stops now! I really need to get this under control. I am going to do a weekly Thursday Weigh-in. Here's the first!!:


Starting weight: 184.6
Starting BMI: 29.7

(My lowest weight in 2011: 164 lbs, BMI: 26.5)

I really need to get to a BMI of 24.9 (Normal), which means I need to get down to 154 lbs. So that is 30.6 lbs to lose. I have done it before, and I will do it again. I'm just so nervous because we have our IUI coming up and if I don't work out as much as normal during the TWW, I fear of gaining weight. But Weight Watchers will help me with that. Today I started a new beginning. I think it will be best to keep track with this blog while we TTC. I need some motivation to get back on track. No way will I ever be 247.2 lbs again. I will not let myself get out of control!!!!! :)

Anyway, time to sign off and try a tiny taste of these home made dinner rolls I made which I am bringing over to the in-laws for dinner tomorrow night. If they taste nasty, I have to re-make them. How fun? Sure! lol

Random Ramblings...

I don't really know where to start with this post. I feel like I have so many things I need to get off my chest that all of them come out of my head at once. Ever had that happen? Yeah, it makes it hard to type about! :) Since we are NTNP this month, I will shell out a bit of happiness to you!

For Christmas I got a super amazingly awesome stand mixer from my in-laws. I am so excited about this gift I feel like I want to use it EVERY DAY! :) Here it is in all it's glory:

It is a pretty comparable gift to the Red Ryder BB gun which Ralphie wanted oh so baldy from A Christmas Story. I am so in love! Here is a picture of some goodies I have made with it:

Delicious? Yes!!!!! We used it to make our manicotti cheese mixture tonight as well as a loaf of beer bread. They were both delicious to say the least. Absolutely AMAZING!

My husband had a wonderful Christmas as well. My mom and sister pitched in an got him a remote controlled helicopter. He is so excited about this although he wanted a remote control car instead, he is completely in love with this little gadget. He has played with it every day since he got it. The only down side is that you can only use it for about 15 minutes before it runs out of juice. Here he is with his amazingly fun gift(which is much more awesome than any video game!):

I can't imagine what it will be like if we have a little boy. My husband is such a kid at heart that he will probably steal all of our baby boy's toys. I always thought I'd have boys only. Time will tell....

In other ramblings, I am feeling really blessed lately. I have a super amazing husband who cares about me with every inch of his heart. We have been spending lots of time together since he has been on leave and I have been on Christmas break from work. Recently he has been very romantic and cuddly, which I completely adore. There is nothing like your husband wanting nothing to do but to cuddle with you, give you lots of hugs and kisses, and just be with you. I am so in love with this man that words can't describe how huge he makes my heart. God really blessed me with an AMAZING human being to spend the rest of my life with and I am forever thankful. Here is a photo of us at my Oma and Opa's house on Christmas Day:

Since NTNP, I have had this amazing sense of feeling free. Feeling like infertility will not beat us and we will eventually get our own precious miracle. I feel like throwing away my thermometer and all pee sticks and just saying screw it, it will happen when it is meant to happen. If I can get pregnant through IUI, then why can't I get pregnant naturally. There is nothing stating that I can't, unless it just has everything to do with my CM, which I am pretty positive that is what is preventing us from getting pregnant naturally. But, my infertile mind says, "You need a baby now!" We will be doing our IUI #2 next month. AF should arrive on approx. January 15/16th. and I have thought ahead about IUI #2 and God willing it gives us our take home baby, we will get a BFP right before/on Valentines Day. Wouldn't that be spectacular? And the good thing if it turns out BFN, AF should be here after Valentines Day so hubby and I can just enjoy an amazing evening together, if you know what I mean? Haha!! I have so many mixed emotions for this next IUI. I am scared to death of it turning out BFN. For Christmas my mom is contributing $100 to the procedure and my dad in NY sent $125 in which we will use for the procedure as all. I have been so worried about how we will pay for another IUI if the second one doesn't work. I honestly don't want to spend all of our savings on infertility, but I so much would like to finally have a little miracle to hold. I think if IUI number two dosn't work out, we will probably take a break for financial reasons, unless hubby decides that our income taxes could be used for IUI #3? I just don't want to have to go through the wrath of another BFN. It totally sucks. But God keeps me sturdy and I know he will provide us with everything we need, even if it is just strength to get through another failed cycle. Our dreams will come true, and I WILL hold our baby in our arms and sing GLORY TO GOD because he will be the reason for our future children's life(lives)! I am just so excited, still, to know that it is possible for us to get pregnant. It's just so hard that we had to say goodbye so soon. No worries, it will happen, I just have to keep on truckin...

For now, here's a couple reasons for my happiness:

My Fur-kids!:



Me and my amazing, one and only, SISTER!!:

Confused...

So I have been doing a ton of thinking lately. A friend of mine who has been trying to get pregnant for a year, recently got her BFP. Well, her due date is 3 days after mine was. Her pregnancy is going along fine, and she is always posting on Facebook about something pregnancy related. I can't help but to feel bad for myself because every little thing she goes though, I feel like I would be going through, too. I'm just really still trying to get over the fact that we had a chemical pregnancy. I am still very upset but I do know that things happen for a reason. The reason behind God wanting me to pretty much watch a pregnancy from the sidelines instead of going through it when it could have been me, still has me questioning. I just don't know how to feel about it. There HAS to be a reason for it. There must be some lesson God is trying to teach me throughout this journey. I have yet to figure it out. I'm pretty confused. I just wish I didn't have to go through the torture of watching her baby bump grow, and have to look down and see nothing but a fat bump on me. It's annoying to say the least. Why do things happen like this? Why am I always reminded that I am infertile? I don't understand... But I will try to enjoy the holidays and this newly found break cycle. No temping, no OPK's, and no timing intercourse(I AM EXCITED FOR THIS! LOL). But, I am so read for February get here to do our 2nd IUI...time can't go by fast enough. But I know it will be here before we know it. I am so grateful for what God has given me and I need to enjoy every moment I my life, even if right now we don't know if we will ever have children. I am blessed.

Bummer!

So I called my RE today to tell him when CD 1 was. He called me back and told me we wouldn't be able to do the IUI this month due to when I would be ovulating. I guess my body wants to party on New Years eve? Maybe bring in the new year with a bang of an ovary? Lol So the office wont be open. So it looks like I am shooting for a Feb. 1st IUI, or around there. Hopefully my husband will be available during that time. I will be VERY upset if we have to skip another cycle due to timing. But God is good and he will help us get through this. :D I am planning on trying to lose 10 lbs (or so) by the time of IUI. I know I can do it because I have done it before. So we are taking a break this cycle. Not temping or using OPK's. We need that! Just to enjoy every minute we have together during the holidays because next year, we might not have all of this time to spend together. I'm so anxious to know if DH will be going to Korea or staying here. I really pray he says here but moves into a different unit....time will tell.

Have a Merry Christmas!

Second IUI cycle & Christmas!

I am so excited to say that AF came after 2 days of spotting thinking it could possibly be implantation bleeding. I did have hope for the last cycle, since I know I can get pregnant. But I knew in the back of my head there was little chance because the past natural cycles haven't gotten us anywhere. We hit the year mark for actively trying this month, but it has been 3 years of hoping, wishing, praying, and believing that one day it would happen. It has been a long road. I am so grateful to have been pregnant, even if I knew about it for only a week. So I can't say say that these 3 years have been a complete failure, because they haven't. I have learned so much about myself, my husband, and I wouldn't be who I am if it weren't for these past few years. Infertility really stinks. You have to learn to be patient, believe in miracles, and just pray that it WILL happen.

So with this new cycle, and our IUI coming up (God willing) I have a really cautious mind. I know that not all IUI's work every time. The first one worked like a charm, and I feel like this second one will in some way fail? I don't know. I just don't feel like we will get lucky twice. But then again, I have no control over that. I will take what will happen and roll with the punches. I guess either way, I just have to tell myself that I got pregnant once, sooner or later it will happen again, even if it's not during this second IUI month. God is really helping me, though. I believe that we will have a take home baby one day. Until that day comes, I will praise him for the future he will give our family. I just know everything will turn out perfectly for our family but we just have to go through a few road blocks to get there. :)

Oh, I am so ready for Christmas! This year my DH and I decided to give each other 100 bucks, and a list of inexpensive things we wanted for Christmas. I have already gotten almost everything that DH wants. The whole point of this was to make a huge list of things, but it doesn't mean we will get everything on our lists, so it's a surprise. I'm kind of excited to see what he chose off my list. I know he will be so happy to see that he got EVERYTHING on his list. I made it work by using lots of coupons and shopping around for the best deals.

For everyone else in our family I am making little bags of treats including; puppy chow, a chocolate snack mix, snicker doodles, and peanut butter brownies. This is our 3rd year doing this kind of gift. I LOVE seeing everyone enjoy our treats. Only one more week to go! I love my life! We just need a bundle of joy (or a couple) to share the joy of life with. I am so ready!

Reflecting on 2011

I am so thankful to know my Lord and savior! Jesus is the reason for the season! :)

Anyway... This time of year, for some reason, makes be overly thankful for what I have. This past year has been pretty good to us. We moved back to Oklahoma (home), bought a brand new house, I got a new job, and we finally achieved our dream of becoming pregnant. Well, the last one feels like a dream I have woken up from. I am so happy for the good Lord above to haven given us answers FINALLY after so long wondering and waiting. It's almost like these answers have renewed my sense of hope. I am positive, I truly believe that one day I will carry our rainbow baby to term and we will have a perfect healthy bundle of joy to enjoy for the rest of our lives. I am so grateful for 2011. I knew it would be a good year for us when we got the news we were moving back home. I cannot praise God enough for all of these amazing miracles in my life. How can I not walk around with a smile on my face? Every time I feel like I'm getting down about our loss, I just think of God and how amazing He makes me feel. And having that feeling is the best thing in the world. With Him, I can overcome all obstacles in life. Don't get me wrong, emotionally I feel burned, but God heals those wounds slowly. I trust Him. And that is all I can do. I just feel like letting everyone know how much I LOVE MY GOD! :)

I am 7dpo today. I have this strong urge to poas tomorrow morning. I know it will be BFN, but after last cycle and getting real BFP's for the first time in my life, I am craving more. I know it will be a waste of a test. I will probably try my hardest to wait until the night of 9dpo, possibly the morning of 10dpo. I have tender breasts today. I normally don't ever have tender breasts. Last cycle, my chemical cycle, my tender breasts started to be noticeable around 10-11dpo. I think I'm just imagining it though right now. I am praying for a pregnancy. But then again I know that God will probably not give that to us this cycle, since he has not in past natural cycles. I am just so unsure. I do know this, those pee sticks will not take the life out of me this cycle. I am determined to just poas once a day. I don't want to stress myself out in the possibility that I am pregnant. I don't know right now. I am just hopeful but at the same time I am so ready to start our second IUI cycle to know we have a better chance than this natural cycle. So much to look forward to in this next month. I am more than ready for this mommy journey to begin. Please, God, I'm praying for another miracle!

Overview of the last 3-4 months.

I haven't posted in quite some time. I have just not felt like I needed to jot my feelings down. It really started to make me depressed by obsessing. But I am back and ready to update you on the news from the past few months. I am going to put it in bulletin style to make it easier.

• September Cycle: We triggered and tried naturally. BFN
  
  
• October Cycle: First IUI with 75IU Menopur and Trigger shot. Can you believe it? A BFP on November 8th at 11dpo/IUI. My first beta came in at 32/prog 1.9 at 17dpo/IUI. My RE explained it was a chemical pregnancy. My second beta was 29/prog 0.9 at 19dpo/IUI. RE thought it might be ectopic so he had me come in for a third beta which came in at 0. I started bleeding at 4 weeks 5 days. Thank God for giving me this knowledge. Now we know we CAN get pregnant. We just have to be able to stay that way. Needless to say, I cried for a while day wondering, "Why us?"
  
  
  

• November cycle: Completely natural, no medications, no trigger. I ovulated on CD 18 and am currently on the night of 5dpo. I have some renewed hope for this cycle since the chemical pregnancy. I just keep thinking to myself that it hasn't happened naturally ever before, so why would I happen this month? DH and I don't think anything will come out of it. So if I am pregnant, I will be VERY surprised to say the least. I have an appointment on Monday Dec. 12th, which was supposed to be for a follie scan for an IUI. My RE thought I would Ovulate late. Well that will be CD 27. I thought he was crazy. But he had scheduled this appointment due to my DH being gone from CD 21-25. He wanted to see me earlier but DH wouldn't be able to produce for the IUI. I decided to chart and do OPK's. Well, luckily DH was here while I ovulated and we got some good BD in. I just really am unsure about the outcome. But there is one thing I do know and that is that I believe that God will bless us with another miracle in His time. I am so ready and praising him for all He has given us!
  
  
• December: If I don't get a BFP this cycle, we will be doing another IUI. I'm very nervous about this because of the timing and it would most likely be around New Years Eve/Day. Ugh...maybe he will give me some meds to speed the process up? Praying all goes well. But maybe we wont need the IUI? Praying for an early Christmas present. But not getting my hopes up. Positive thoughts, though! :)