Our TTC Journey

Thursday, December 29, 2011


Yes, this is yet another rant post. I feel like this blog is a place to share my happiness and sadness. I feel like there is way more sadness than that good feeling. Today my friend, who I will continue to call "M", the one who is due 3 days after our m/c due date, posted a picture of her 10.5 week old little baby from their ultrasound. When I saw that picture it almost made me cry. I felt so hurt and so ashamed to feel this way, this overwhelming sense of jealousy. Infertility has brought a ton of this feeling into my life which I am not completely happy nor excited about. I just want to feel normal again and not be so jealous. It just really stings my heart to see something that would have possibly been ours during this time. It just really sucks to see her going through this when it was suppose to be me and my husband.

Somewhere deep in my heart, I had a feeling like this would happen. I have thought deep and hard about possible situations that could happen any day. Sometimes I think that my sister, who is 20 years old, will conceive before us. She has been with her boyfriend for a year now. They are talking about getting married after college (about 2-3 years away). It's not official yet. I just have this feeling deep down that they will have a child before us. I would be excited, overwhelmed, and speechless. The only thing I pray about is that they don't have to go through infertility. I pray so hard that she does not have to go through this pain and agony of each month of BFN's and worry 24/7. I know I am on a break cycle, but it still consumes my life. Everything I do, I think about, "What if we had a child right now, this task wouldn't be so easy." And I try to enjoy every moment of being childless because I know one day, we will not be childless. I think I will be devastated if she gets pregnant before me. And I really don't want to feel that way. I'm just to tired of feeling jealous and anxious. :(

When I'm feeling down, I turn to cooking/baking. Which leads me to eat lots of necessary food items like cookies, cake, and home baked bread. Ugh, and the lbs have packed on since the m/c. I have gained 20 lbs from my lost 80 lbs in the last year. It stops now! I really need to get this under control. I am going to do a weekly Thursday Weigh-in. Here's the first!!:

Starting weight: 184.6
Starting BMI: 29.7

(My lowest weight in 2011: 164 lbs, BMI: 26.5)

I really need to get to a BMI of 24.9 (Normal), which means I need to get down to 154 lbs. So that is 30.6 lbs to lose. I have done it before, and I will do it again. I'm just so nervous because we have our IUI coming up and if I don't work out as much as normal during the TWW, I fear of gaining weight. But Weight Watchers will help me with that. Today I started a new beginning. I think it will be best to keep track with this blog while we TTC. I need some motivation to get back on track. No way will I ever be 247.2 lbs again. I will not let myself get out of control!!!!! :)

Anyway, time to sign off and try a tiny taste of these home made dinner rolls I made which I am bringing over to the in-laws for dinner tomorrow night. If they taste nasty, I have to re-make them. How fun? Sure! lol

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